It’s almost here. Can you make it? Just a few
more days. A few more painful, excruciating, migraine-inducing days before
school starts. Can you make it? You’re not sure.
You’re tapped out. The well has run dry. The
dead horse has been beaten. The source of this despair? This chaos, this
destruction, this heart-wrenching suffering? Your beloved offspring. The ones
you can’t wait to kiss goodbye, never to see again. Well, at least for seven
hours.
Is it time for school to start? If you’re a
complete sadist and you’re not sure, here’s a handy checklist. For the rest of
us...well, this will just confirm our suspicions.
1. You plan your day around
wine. You actually try to get yourself stuck out of
the house, in parts of town where you will be forced to eat out for lunch,
which means you can order wine. “Kids, there is NO WAY we can make it home for
lunch after Nordstrom Rack, and still make it to music class on time, so we
MUST eat out, or we will surely starve. (Sigh.) Oh look, there is a (enter
favorite chain restaurant that serves alcohol). I guess we’ll have to eat
there!”
2. Wine doesn’t cut it anymore,
and you’ve moved onto vodka. This
happens! Last week I had lunch with two girlfriends and they BOTH ordered vodka
tonics, and confided that it was too late in the summer to drink wine and get a
proper buzz. And these girls are winos like me. Also, I guess vodka has less
calories. Should I give vodka a try? I do have a few days left…
3. You are in the worst shape
you’ve been in ALL YEAR. How are you supposed to run,
and go to yoga and Pilates with these KIDS attached to you all day? How does
that work? How do moms stay in shape over the summer without starving
themselves? Oh that’s right, they starve
themselves. Except for my friend Kelly. (See exhibit A below.) Here, Kelly
sports shockingly flat abs after birthing three children and orders a burger at
Islands and eats it. With the bun. You go, Kelly!
Exhibit A. Kelly Snodgrass looking amazing!
4. Every single thing your kids
say irritates you. Every. Single. Thing. Even an
innocent “Mom, may I please have a healthy fruit snack and a refreshing glass
of water?” can elicit an angry “What’s with your attitude? Go to your room!”
Don’t even try, “Mom, can I put my old clothes in a bag for homeless people?” NO,
YOU DIDN’T! THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS.
5. You fantasize about hiring a nanny
and going back to work. To work! You could get
dressed in real clothes. You could stop at Starbucks. What job could you get?
You have skills, right? Of course you do! Amazon Prime skills….Facebook skills…Nun
chuck skills….
6. You are parenting poorly. Duh. This one is obvious. You’ve straight up stopped disciplining
your kids because a) It doesn’t work and b) you have no energy. When you DO
discipline (take away an iPad, or dessert) you forget ten minutes later when you
are throwing electronics at them and shoving cookies down their throats so you
can get five. Minutes. Of. Peace.
7. You are wife-ing poorly. When
your husband gets home from work, he takes one look at your face and
immediately goes into the other room. Your entire being radiates despair and
doom, and your eyes are two vapid pools of helplessness and fatigue, mixed with
a healthy dose of ANGER AND ACCUSATION because HE GAVE YOU THESE CHILDREN.
That’s right, you better run!
8. You fantasize about what it
would be like if you didn’t have kids. Like,
what if you decided not to have kids, or couldn’t get pregnant? Would you
eventually recover and move on with your life? Hell yes, you would! You and
your husband would be in the South of France right now, drinking rose on a
beautiful yacht. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHO DON’T HAVE CHILDREN! I’ve
seen it on Facebook! You would both look super hot and ten years younger
because you didn’t have KIDS. (In real life, your not-even-40-yet husband is
sporting a GREY BEARD. A GREY BEARD. People ask him if it’s because of his
stressful job, and he laughs but you know better. THE KIDS DID THIS TO HIM.
Your Life Without Kids
9. You get stupid ideas like taking your 6-year-old off her ADHD
medicine to “give her a break” because it’s summer, or take away everyone’s electronics
for a few days to clear everyone’s mind.
WHAT STUPID FUCKING IDEAS. Why don’t you just stab yourself through the heart
with a corkscrew. That would feel better, I fucking promise.
10. Your self-care has gone out
the window. Your legs are hairy. Your roots are grey. You haven’t meditated in
weeks. I won’t even go into your bikini line (unless you have experienced the
glories of laser hair removal. Thanks, LaserAway!) Your nail polish is so
chipped it’s almost completely gone. You probably have three new cavities due
to a summer of poor flossing.
11. Your toilets get clogged on a daily basis. Apparently your plumbing can’t handle around-the-clock use by a
six-year-old and a nine-year-old because they get plugged up every day. EVERY
FUCKING DAY.
12. Everything makes you cry. The
theme song to Moana. When the Grandma dies in Trolls. When you run out of hand
sanitizer. When you can’t find a ripe avocado.
13. Your kids are fighting to the death. Their hair pulling, face scratching, biting, hitting and sucker-punching
would put the worst barbarian to shame. You think of showing your kids
Gladiator to put things in perspective, and you cheer up for a moment because—Russell
Crowe-- then you realize that's the happiest you’ve felt all week and you start crying
again.
No caption needed.
