Look at me. Look closer. Do you see it in my eyes? Pupils dilated? Shifty? Unfocused? Is it hard to tell if I'm about to cry, dissolve into giggles, or start speaking in tongue? Do I look like I might have a deadly explosive tucked into my fake Coach backpack? (Or is that just a box of wet wipes?)
Look at me. Look into my eyes.
This is the look of the Frazzled Mom.
I used to see those moms on the street. I laughed at them. Pitied them, really. Moms with crazy, jacked-up hair. Moms with mismatched socks. Stained shirts. Moms who were always dropping things...keys, phones, bottles. Moms whose makeup was....not present. Moms who looked like they hadn't seen a shower in weeks.
Didn't they care? Didn't they know how they looked or how strange they acted? They were so frazzled and frumpy!
No, that will NEVER be me, I told myself. I will always remember to moisturize. I will wash my hair, at least every other day. I will apply lipstick and eyeliner. I will diligently coordinate my outfits, and never emerge in tracksuits. I will drink enough fresh-brewed coffee each morning so I keep my shit together in the Albertsons checkout line. I won't leave my wallet in my car. I won't lock myself out of the house.
And I didn't.
I held it together pretty well after I had Marley. (She's now 3.5 years old.) I took care of myself. I brushed my hair. I applied underarm deodorant. There were bad moments of course, but nothing crazy.
Enter, Baby #2. And now...well, let's face it...I am one of those moms. I do dumb shit. I look like shit. I do dumb shit (lock myself out of the house) and drop shit (phone and bottle) while I'm digging through shit (digging in the dirt and Pekingese poop for spare key) and looking like shit.
I am both frazzled and frumpy.
But now that Holland is nine months old...I have noticed an alarming trend. It's not getting any better. In fact... It's getting worse. I am crossing the threshold. Things have escalated beyond FRAZZLED and surpassed FRUMPY. I am turning into something far worse....something I never planned on, or even imagined.
And now, for your reading pleasure....
Top Nine Signs You're a Frumpy, Frazzled Mom...and Quite Possibly NASTY.*
1. You have hairy, bushly legs and eyebrows. You're going native down South...and if you're NASTY, you have a pair of stinky, hairy pits. That's just sick, get out your razor!
2. You haven't washed your hair in over seven days. You have clumps of dry shampoo flaking off your head and mucking your bangs together. You probably have grey roots. If you're NASTY, you have dandruff.
3. You have dark circles under your eyes...and haven't bothered to properly apply concealer. Cover that sh-t up! Honeybadger don't give a f-ck about your sleepless nights. In the very least, you should be wearing tinted moisturizer, mascara, and lip gloss. GAW. If you don't put anything on your face you're NASTY.
4. You have spitup (or is that shit?) smeared on your Lululemon workout top. That's pretty disgusting, but least you're wearing Lululemon. If you're wearing a lesser brand go ahead and punch yourself in the face. Pull yourself together, you're NASTY!
5. You just pulled a month-old banana from your double BOB. Yes, bananas will liquefy if you leave that shit in your stroller. You're NASTY!
6. You just left a stinky, poopy diaper and a shit-smeared onesie in the trashcan in the Trader Joe's bathroom at Liberty Station last weekend. You are so beyond nasty.
7. You leave a trail of white powder where ever you go. Stop spilling your Enfamil everywhere...people are going to think you have a drug problem! Mommy's little helper indeed!
8. When your husband takes you to Vegas for a night away from the kids, you get so drunk at dinner that you try to sneak up to the room to go to sleep at 9pm. When your husband tells you that you have to meet friends out at the club, you cry and try to lock yourself in the bathroom. You forget why you're crying, and you manage to pull it together long enough to change into some sleazy tight pants then tramp around a club in wobbly 4-inch heels. Yup...you're NASTY.
9. You try to give your baby cheerios before she is ready, so she gags and projectile vomits all over the dining room table. Congratulations, you're not only a crap mom... you're also NASTY!
*I'd like to reiterate that this list is in NO WAY a representation of who I am as a mother. I always, always shave my pits and never, ever leave shitty diapers in Trader Joe's. Also, I don't drink.
Is there anything I missed? Any other signs that you're a frumpy, frazzled mom...and quite possibly NASTY? If so, please share!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Date Night Disaster!
Okay, so it wasn't exactly a disaster...but it wasn't your typical night out, either.
It started innocently enough. Ian and I were on our Friday Night Date. (Yes folks, I've finally hired a babysitter--that is not a family member--to watch our two little bundles of joy every other Friday night. Now hubs and I can actually have a conversation...with each other. For date nights, I get to apply eyeliner, perfume, and brush my hair. Sometimes I get crazy and put on earrings. But I digress...back to the story.)
We live within easy walking distance of some pretty great restaurants, so we decided to stop at a nice seafood spot for happy hour.
I was in heaven. Giant glasses of red wine, the tastiest selections on the happy hour menu, my awesome husband, and no children in my direct line of vision. Hoorah! Everything was perfect...until I picked up some sushi with my chopsticks, and...
...from underneath my sushi roll....OUT RAN....A ROACH!!!
"No FREAKING WAY!" I jumped. "Did that just happen? Did a roach just crawl out from under my sushi roll?"
"Uh...I think it did!" Ian laughed. The funny thing was, we weren't mad. We found it hilarious. I mean, how often does this actually HAPPEN in ones life, in a high class dining establishment? I wouldn't be shocked to find a short-n-curly on my Taco Bell, but a roach in my sushi roll? Well, that's taking it to the next level.
Luckily, we had Ian's iPhone with him, so we were able to take a photo of the little guy. There he is in all his glory, taking cover under a plate.
"Excuse me," I said when our server--a nice, tall surfer dude--came back to our table. "We have a little friend at our table." Ian lifted the plate to expose the roach.
"NO WAY!" he said. He swiftly scooped the roach off the table into his hands. "I'm so sorry!" He disappeared.
"We are SO getting this meal comped," I smirked to Ian, as we slurped down our next glass of wine. "For sure," he said.
Then, we got our bill.
"I was able to get you a little discount, considering you had an extra guest at the table," the server said. Wait a second here, a discount?
We inspected the receipt, and we were awarded a TEN DOLLAR DISCOUNT. And it states the reason right there on the receipt...ROACH.
It started innocently enough. Ian and I were on our Friday Night Date. (Yes folks, I've finally hired a babysitter--that is not a family member--to watch our two little bundles of joy every other Friday night. Now hubs and I can actually have a conversation...with each other. For date nights, I get to apply eyeliner, perfume, and brush my hair. Sometimes I get crazy and put on earrings. But I digress...back to the story.)
We live within easy walking distance of some pretty great restaurants, so we decided to stop at a nice seafood spot for happy hour.
I was in heaven. Giant glasses of red wine, the tastiest selections on the happy hour menu, my awesome husband, and no children in my direct line of vision. Hoorah! Everything was perfect...until I picked up some sushi with my chopsticks, and...
...from underneath my sushi roll....OUT RAN....A ROACH!!!
"No FREAKING WAY!" I jumped. "Did that just happen? Did a roach just crawl out from under my sushi roll?"
"Uh...I think it did!" Ian laughed. The funny thing was, we weren't mad. We found it hilarious. I mean, how often does this actually HAPPEN in ones life, in a high class dining establishment? I wouldn't be shocked to find a short-n-curly on my Taco Bell, but a roach in my sushi roll? Well, that's taking it to the next level.
Luckily, we had Ian's iPhone with him, so we were able to take a photo of the little guy. There he is in all his glory, taking cover under a plate.
"Excuse me," I said when our server--a nice, tall surfer dude--came back to our table. "We have a little friend at our table." Ian lifted the plate to expose the roach.
"NO WAY!" he said. He swiftly scooped the roach off the table into his hands. "I'm so sorry!" He disappeared.
"We are SO getting this meal comped," I smirked to Ian, as we slurped down our next glass of wine. "For sure," he said.
Then, we got our bill.
"I was able to get you a little discount, considering you had an extra guest at the table," the server said. Wait a second here, a discount?
We inspected the receipt, and we were awarded a TEN DOLLAR DISCOUNT. And it states the reason right there on the receipt...ROACH.
Of course we had to document the receipt.
So now, you know...if you find a roach in your food at dinner, its good for a ten dollar discount.
I know, I know...we should've complained to the GM or something. But we were having such a great time, and we didn't want a little roach to cramp our style. So we moved onto Candela's for another glass of wine...in a presumably roach-free environment. Oy!
Anyone else had anything nasty crawl out from their dinner on date night? If so, please share!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Perverted Phone Calls...Back in Style!
I thought perverted phone calls were a thing of the past. Like, didn't that stop in the 90s when caller-ID came out? You know, the gross suggestions, heavy breathing into the receiver, conspicuous background noise?
I'm here to report that they are making a comeback! I got one today.
I was driving through Jack-in-the-Box with the kids. (Not everyday you get a pervert calling your cell phone when you are ordering a shake and a spicy chicken sandwich.)
I'm not going to go into details about what the caller said...let's just say HE KNEW MY NAME and it was GROSS and it involved specific questions about a specific part of my anatomy (which also happens to be another word for "feline.") I was taken aback and responded with, "What? Oh my god, oh my god, what did you say? Ew, GROSS, GROSS, EWWWW!" and hung up. Apparently he liked that, so he called for round two. I just hung up.
His number was blocked, of course.
The only way someone could get my cell phone number is through my real estate business (unless I have some really f-cked up friends), so I called my mom to warn her, since she's my partner. Here's what she said.
Mom: Well, next time he calls, get a WHISTLE and blow it into the phone really hard.
Me: A whistle?
Mom: Yes, a WHISTLE. Keep one in your pocket and blow it into the phone if he calls again.
Me: (Sarcastically) OK, I'll go get my whistle. Wait, I can't find it. Can I borrow yours?
Mom: I don't have a whistle. I don't even know where you'd get one.
Me: OK.
Mom: He was probably jerking off, you know, the caller.
Me: Mom, GROSS! I don't need to talk about that.
Mom: Well, Christine...that's what they do. That's why he called you back. He was jerking off.
Me: Mom, GEEZ! I'm 34, I know what goes on in the world. We don't need to talk about it!
I don't know what's more disturbing. Getting a perverted phone call from someone jerking off, or discussing it with my mom.
So I guess I'm out to buy a whistle. So I'll be ready for you, pervert crank caller. BRING IT!
I'm here to report that they are making a comeback! I got one today.
I was driving through Jack-in-the-Box with the kids. (Not everyday you get a pervert calling your cell phone when you are ordering a shake and a spicy chicken sandwich.)
I'm not going to go into details about what the caller said...let's just say HE KNEW MY NAME and it was GROSS and it involved specific questions about a specific part of my anatomy (which also happens to be another word for "feline.") I was taken aback and responded with, "What? Oh my god, oh my god, what did you say? Ew, GROSS, GROSS, EWWWW!" and hung up. Apparently he liked that, so he called for round two. I just hung up.
His number was blocked, of course.
The only way someone could get my cell phone number is through my real estate business (unless I have some really f-cked up friends), so I called my mom to warn her, since she's my partner. Here's what she said.
Mom: Well, next time he calls, get a WHISTLE and blow it into the phone really hard.
Me: A whistle?
Mom: Yes, a WHISTLE. Keep one in your pocket and blow it into the phone if he calls again.
Me: (Sarcastically) OK, I'll go get my whistle. Wait, I can't find it. Can I borrow yours?
Mom: I don't have a whistle. I don't even know where you'd get one.
Me: OK.
Mom: He was probably jerking off, you know, the caller.
Me: Mom, GROSS! I don't need to talk about that.
Mom: Well, Christine...that's what they do. That's why he called you back. He was jerking off.
Me: Mom, GEEZ! I'm 34, I know what goes on in the world. We don't need to talk about it!
I don't know what's more disturbing. Getting a perverted phone call from someone jerking off, or discussing it with my mom.
So I guess I'm out to buy a whistle. So I'll be ready for you, pervert crank caller. BRING IT!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Top 10 Signs You're a Crappy Mom
"You're such a great mom."
Ahhh....music to my ears! Nothing sounds sweeter. Those words make me glow. They make me feel like I've won an Oscar. Like I've scaled Mt. Everest. Like I've written a Pulitzer-prize winning novel. Like I've...well...you get the picture! To all the moms out there, I ask you... Is there a greater compliment in the world?
But some days I feel like I'm not a great mom. Like I'm not even a GOOD mom. Sometimes I feel like a downright crappy mom. Some days, the stars are not aligned. I'm not the happy, earthy mom with a perfect side-swept bangs peacefully breastfeeding her baby in public. I'm the ANGRY MOM with messy hair guzzling a latte and yelling at her kids in Target. I'm the impatient mom honking at the intersection because the old person in front of me can't find the accelerator fast enough. (I'm probably headed to Target where I'll guzzle a latte and yell at my kids.) I'm the mom who can't wait to put her kids to bed and pour a tall glass of wine. (I'm probably bitter because I have messy hair and have spent my day at Target yelling at my kids and honking at other drivers on the road.)
So yes, I've been feeling like a crappy mom lately. Since it's been bothering me, you know I have to write about it. Here are the Top 10 things that make me feel like I'm a crappy mom.Can you relate?
Top 10 Ten Signs I'm a Crappy Mom
1. I give my baby formula. Everyone knows that breast milk is the best food for your baby. Yes, I managed to successfully breastfeed Marley for nine months with minimal formula supplements. The first month every time I nursed it hurt so badly I'd start crying. (And if you tell me, "If you're doing it right, it shouldn't hurt" I will smash my breast pump over your head. I was doing it right and it hurt.) Holland was another story. She was over 9.1 pounds and had low blood sugar so they gave her formula in the delivery room. Holland preferred the bottle, and I preferred to avoid excruciating pain, so I pumped five times a day, nursed once or twice a day and supplemented with formula. Needless to say, six months later she has opted out of breastfeeding and now enjoys a nice warm bottle of Enfamil. On one hand, I'm delighted to give away my breast pump, but sad that I was not able to nurse her longer. Did I screw up? Did I pump too much? Will she grow up at a disadvantage, more prone to infections and a host of other ailments because I didn't nurse her longer? The thoughts tug at the dark corners of my mind...
2. I don't use cloth diapers. Yup. I use landfill diapers. The kind of diapers that pollute our earth, thus making it less inhabitable for our kids and their grandchildren. There's nothing really I can say about this.
3. I don't make all my own baby food. With Marley, I made most of her own baby food. I made baby apple butternut squash, I made baby carrots, I made baby green beans. Look out, Martha Stewart! With Holland...well, I've busted out the baby food maker once. The rest of the time she gets Earth's Best. It's organic, right? So is it really worse for my baby then the mushy squash I made her? Last time it was so runny that she pooped twice in her bumbo seat during one feeding!
4. I let my baby cry it out. I'm not going to pretend to feel bad about this. I let Holland cry it out because there is absolutely no reason a 18 pound, 6 month old baby needs to eat at 4am. Sorry, kitchen's closed!
5. I don't "wear" my baby." I tried to shove Holland in the Ergo. I really did. Every time I stuck her in there, she screamed bloody murder until she fell asleep. Then she woke up screaming. I DO however manage to cram her into the Bjorn facing front for a good 30 minutes at a time. Great success!
6. I give my baby a pacifier. Marley took the binky. It was awesome! Holland...not so much. I do, however, sneak the paci in her mouth from time to time to see if she's ready for it. Fingers crossed!
7. I let my kids watch T.V. I celebrated the day Marley was old enough to watch Baby Einstein in the Zanzibar bouncer. Imagine, eating a meal in its entirety! Now she watches Disney cartoons in the morning, Yo Gabba Gabba before "quiet time" and enjoys the occasional Tim Burton DVD. Her favorites? Corpse Bride, Edward Scissorhands and Nightmare Before Christmas. A little dark, of course, but not so bad compared to Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and some other creepy classics. Holland is just getting started on Yo Gabba Gabba.
8. I bribe my kids. Marley got an elbow to the head during soccer a couple of weeks ago, and decided she wasn't going to play anymore. I tried to get her to play again, but nothing worked. Finally, I told her if she went to soccer and "tried her best," she'd get to eat ice cream and watch a DVD. Now, every time she finishes soccer, she says, "Coach Shiloh! I get ice cream and a DVD!" So much for playing for the love of the game!
9. I got an epidural. Twice. And loved every minute of it.
10. I don't clean my own house. Yes, I'm a stay-at-home mom and I have a house cleaner. I know this doesn't really have a lot to do with parenting, but it bothers me. I don't really work anymore, so shouldn't I be able to clean my house properly? Alas, Marta does a MUCH better job than I could ever do, and she needs the work, so it's a win-win, right? My lack of skills is helping the economy and helping me achieve a clean home.
Anyway. This is what's on my mind lately.
Is there anything that's making you feel like a crappy mom?
Ahhh....music to my ears! Nothing sounds sweeter. Those words make me glow. They make me feel like I've won an Oscar. Like I've scaled Mt. Everest. Like I've written a Pulitzer-prize winning novel. Like I've...well...you get the picture! To all the moms out there, I ask you... Is there a greater compliment in the world?
But some days I feel like I'm not a great mom. Like I'm not even a GOOD mom. Sometimes I feel like a downright crappy mom. Some days, the stars are not aligned. I'm not the happy, earthy mom with a perfect side-swept bangs peacefully breastfeeding her baby in public. I'm the ANGRY MOM with messy hair guzzling a latte and yelling at her kids in Target. I'm the impatient mom honking at the intersection because the old person in front of me can't find the accelerator fast enough. (I'm probably headed to Target where I'll guzzle a latte and yell at my kids.) I'm the mom who can't wait to put her kids to bed and pour a tall glass of wine. (I'm probably bitter because I have messy hair and have spent my day at Target yelling at my kids and honking at other drivers on the road.)
So yes, I've been feeling like a crappy mom lately. Since it's been bothering me, you know I have to write about it. Here are the Top 10 things that make me feel like I'm a crappy mom.Can you relate?
Top 10 Ten Signs I'm a Crappy Mom
1. I give my baby formula. Everyone knows that breast milk is the best food for your baby. Yes, I managed to successfully breastfeed Marley for nine months with minimal formula supplements. The first month every time I nursed it hurt so badly I'd start crying. (And if you tell me, "If you're doing it right, it shouldn't hurt" I will smash my breast pump over your head. I was doing it right and it hurt.) Holland was another story. She was over 9.1 pounds and had low blood sugar so they gave her formula in the delivery room. Holland preferred the bottle, and I preferred to avoid excruciating pain, so I pumped five times a day, nursed once or twice a day and supplemented with formula. Needless to say, six months later she has opted out of breastfeeding and now enjoys a nice warm bottle of Enfamil. On one hand, I'm delighted to give away my breast pump, but sad that I was not able to nurse her longer. Did I screw up? Did I pump too much? Will she grow up at a disadvantage, more prone to infections and a host of other ailments because I didn't nurse her longer? The thoughts tug at the dark corners of my mind...
2. I don't use cloth diapers. Yup. I use landfill diapers. The kind of diapers that pollute our earth, thus making it less inhabitable for our kids and their grandchildren. There's nothing really I can say about this.
3. I don't make all my own baby food. With Marley, I made most of her own baby food. I made baby apple butternut squash, I made baby carrots, I made baby green beans. Look out, Martha Stewart! With Holland...well, I've busted out the baby food maker once. The rest of the time she gets Earth's Best. It's organic, right? So is it really worse for my baby then the mushy squash I made her? Last time it was so runny that she pooped twice in her bumbo seat during one feeding!
4. I let my baby cry it out. I'm not going to pretend to feel bad about this. I let Holland cry it out because there is absolutely no reason a 18 pound, 6 month old baby needs to eat at 4am. Sorry, kitchen's closed!
5. I don't "wear" my baby." I tried to shove Holland in the Ergo. I really did. Every time I stuck her in there, she screamed bloody murder until she fell asleep. Then she woke up screaming. I DO however manage to cram her into the Bjorn facing front for a good 30 minutes at a time. Great success!
6. I give my baby a pacifier. Marley took the binky. It was awesome! Holland...not so much. I do, however, sneak the paci in her mouth from time to time to see if she's ready for it. Fingers crossed!
7. I let my kids watch T.V. I celebrated the day Marley was old enough to watch Baby Einstein in the Zanzibar bouncer. Imagine, eating a meal in its entirety! Now she watches Disney cartoons in the morning, Yo Gabba Gabba before "quiet time" and enjoys the occasional Tim Burton DVD. Her favorites? Corpse Bride, Edward Scissorhands and Nightmare Before Christmas. A little dark, of course, but not so bad compared to Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and some other creepy classics. Holland is just getting started on Yo Gabba Gabba.
8. I bribe my kids. Marley got an elbow to the head during soccer a couple of weeks ago, and decided she wasn't going to play anymore. I tried to get her to play again, but nothing worked. Finally, I told her if she went to soccer and "tried her best," she'd get to eat ice cream and watch a DVD. Now, every time she finishes soccer, she says, "Coach Shiloh! I get ice cream and a DVD!" So much for playing for the love of the game!
9. I got an epidural. Twice. And loved every minute of it.
10. I don't clean my own house. Yes, I'm a stay-at-home mom and I have a house cleaner. I know this doesn't really have a lot to do with parenting, but it bothers me. I don't really work anymore, so shouldn't I be able to clean my house properly? Alas, Marta does a MUCH better job than I could ever do, and she needs the work, so it's a win-win, right? My lack of skills is helping the economy and helping me achieve a clean home.
Anyway. This is what's on my mind lately.
Is there anything that's making you feel like a crappy mom?
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Testing Your Breastmilk for Alcohol: A Step-by-Step Guide!
I must say, I'm loving my Milkscreen Home Test for Alcohol in Breastmilk strips. For
For your reading pleasure, I conducted several tests. Here are the results!
Specimen 1. FAIL!
Time of Milk Testing: 7:35pm.
Location of Drinking: Coronado Brewing Company. Kids Night. Ha!
Drinks consumed: 16 oz of Orange Avenue Beer. (Equals roughly 2 beers, but I was cool and drank out of a large mug.)
Food consumed: 4 buffalo chicken tenders and 1/2 a side salad.
Summary: I was pretty buzzed by the end of dinner, so I'm not surprised that my milk failed this test. I was disappointed because I was able to pump 6 ounces of milk when I got home from dinner, and was hoping it would squeak by. My buffalo chicken tenders were delicious though, and the dinner was quite enjoyable. I find it ironic that I was able to garner a big enough buzz to fail the milk test on Kid's Night. No place is safe!
Specimen #2: PASS!
Time of Milk Testing: 6:45am
Location of Drinking: Night before...Ortegas Mexican Bistro for dinner, Candelas in Coroando for wine, Peohes in Coronado for more wine, and Il Fornaio for...yep...more wine.
Food Consumed: Fresh lobster, served up Baja style! Delish!
Drinks Consumed: 2 glasses of Sangria at dinner, and 4-5 additional glasses of wine (I lost count).
Summary: It was date night, and we went big. Incredibly enough, I was NOT hungover the next morning, which I could not believe. Either I am a total alcoholic or I went to bed early enough to avoid a hangover. Uh...yeah. Anywho, have you seen the episode of Kourtney and Khloe where Kourtney gets super wasted one night, and her milk STILL tests positive for alcohol the next morning? Well, to be safe, I decided to test my milk also. Amazingly enough, it passed! Whoohoo!
Specimen #3: FAIL.
Date: November 8, 2011.
Time of Milk Testing: 8:21pm.
Location of Drinking: Casa de Van Tuyl (our lovely home)
Food consumed: Pasta and salad.
Drinks consumed: 1.5 glasses of red wine.
Summary: I was hoping that my hearty artichoke pasta would soak up more of the wine. Alas, it did not. Although I can't say I felt buzzed by the end of the meal, I was feeling spry and spunky. I only pumped a measly 3 ounces of milk, so no great loss. WHATEV.
Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed this experiment. Happy testing!
Anyone else tried these strips? What do you think?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Top 6 Lessons Learned from This Halloween
This is my first Halloween with two kids. Most of it was awesome! Some of it sucked. Fun was had. Mistakes were made. Here are some of the lessons I learned this year that I SHAN'T repeat next year.
1. Learn the difference between a good costume and a bad costume. Good costumes are cute and require little or no adjusting throughout the Halloween outing. Bad costumes are DECIEVINGLY cute, yet have many, many parts that require constant fixing and tweaking throughout the evening.
Exhibit A. Marley's pirate girl costume. Cute, yes. Practical? No. Notice all the parts. Belt. Boot covers. Hat. Bandana. All it takes is one trip to the bounce house at the Halloween carnival to jack this costume UP. At one point I found her belt hanging from a tree.
2. Some costumes are mild forms of child abuse. No, I wasn't out to abuse Baby Holland when I ordered this adorable peacock costume.
See how cute she looks laying there? Yeah. Now try to put this baby into a car seat or the Bjorn. And did I mention the A/C in my car doesn't work? Result: One pissed-off peacock.
3. Think your three-year-old doesn't know how to unwrap candy? Think again. That "quiet" toddler in the back seat is ripping through dozens of bite-sized snickers and smearing chocolate all over the window. She'll also probably wake you up twice in the middle of the night to poop. Awesome.
4. Eliminate questionable Halloween props. The harmless little pirate sword I bought Marley? Not so harmless when she runs through the house threatening house plants, Pekingese and princess figurines, "I'm going to poke you in the EYEBALLS!"
5. Don't overdo it. It's cool to try to hit up all the fun parties and Halloween happenings...but try not to go overboard. If you're on your way to the third dress-up party of the morning and your costumed-kid is screaming in the carseat, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" then it's a sign you've gone too far.
6. Strollers and Haunted houses don't mix. No matter how "not scary" a haunted house is...it's still a HAUNTED HOUSE, people. It will probably still scare the crap out of your kids. And wheeling your stroller through cobwebs is a bad, bad idea.
Thanks for reading! Anyone else have any great Halloween tips I missed? If so, please share!
1. Learn the difference between a good costume and a bad costume. Good costumes are cute and require little or no adjusting throughout the Halloween outing. Bad costumes are DECIEVINGLY cute, yet have many, many parts that require constant fixing and tweaking throughout the evening.
Poor Costume Choice
Exhibit A. Marley's pirate girl costume. Cute, yes. Practical? No. Notice all the parts. Belt. Boot covers. Hat. Bandana. All it takes is one trip to the bounce house at the Halloween carnival to jack this costume UP. At one point I found her belt hanging from a tree.
2. Some costumes are mild forms of child abuse. No, I wasn't out to abuse Baby Holland when I ordered this adorable peacock costume.
Child Abuse
See how cute she looks laying there? Yeah. Now try to put this baby into a car seat or the Bjorn. And did I mention the A/C in my car doesn't work? Result: One pissed-off peacock.
3. Think your three-year-old doesn't know how to unwrap candy? Think again. That "quiet" toddler in the back seat is ripping through dozens of bite-sized snickers and smearing chocolate all over the window. She'll also probably wake you up twice in the middle of the night to poop. Awesome.
4. Eliminate questionable Halloween props. The harmless little pirate sword I bought Marley? Not so harmless when she runs through the house threatening house plants, Pekingese and princess figurines, "I'm going to poke you in the EYEBALLS!"
Questionable Accessory
5. Don't overdo it. It's cool to try to hit up all the fun parties and Halloween happenings...but try not to go overboard. If you're on your way to the third dress-up party of the morning and your costumed-kid is screaming in the carseat, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" then it's a sign you've gone too far.
6. Strollers and Haunted houses don't mix. No matter how "not scary" a haunted house is...it's still a HAUNTED HOUSE, people. It will probably still scare the crap out of your kids. And wheeling your stroller through cobwebs is a bad, bad idea.
Thanks for reading! Anyone else have any great Halloween tips I missed? If so, please share!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Top 11 Makeup Tips for the Tired Mom: Look More Awake and Refreshed!
Dammit.
Baby Holland still wakes up once or twice a night to eat. Marley—who’s had a spotless sleeping record for about three years—has decided to follow in her little sister’s footsteps, and wake up twice a night also. Awesome.
Some nights I go from Marley’s room to Holland’s room and back again. WTF. I wake up each morning feeling tired and pissed off. Worst of all…I LOOK tired and pissed off! NOT okay.
I decided to scour the internet to see what kinds of tricks the beauty experts had for me to help me look more rested, dewy, and beautiful. Here’s what I found.
Top 11 Makeup Tips for the Tired Mom to Look More Awake and Refreshed
1. Start your day with a big glass of water. Beauty experts say, "The best way to wake up skin is to hydrate, both inside and out." Okay, I can do this. No matter how exhausted I am, I can manage to pour myself an eff-ing glass of water.
2. Skip foundation. Opt for tinted moisturizer instead. "Tired skin tends to be rough and uneven, and foundation looks best on a smooth surface. Instead, go for a lightweight tinted moisturizer; it'll glide on and help tone down skin's natural redness. Tip: Make your own tinted moisturizer by mixing a few drops of your foundation with your moisturizer." Mission accomplished! Thanks to tips from a reader via Becca of Blissful Nest, I have purchased and now LOVE Stila's tinted moisturizer.
3. Cover that shit up. Experts swear by YSL’s Touche Eclat for an instant pick me up. Hoorah! I actually own this one and loooove it. It hides my mega dark circles and skin coloration under my eyes.
4. Curl your lashes. Curling the lashes instantly opens the eyes and makes them appear larger. According to one beauty expert, “the best eyelash curler on the market is Shu Uemera. It’s a little more expensive than the drugstore eyelash curlers, but so worth every penny! The wider curler fits the eye shape better and gently curves the lashes and doesn’t bend them in half.” Sold. I’m looking it up on Sephora right now...darn it...they say it's no longer available in the U.S., but they have the next best thing.
5. Mascara is another way to appear more awake. "After curling your lashes, apply two coats of navy mascara to make the whites appear brighter and more awake." OK. I will replace my black with navy. Done!
6. Eyeliners should also be deep navy or blue to make the whites look their whitest. "You want to avoid any purples, khakis or brown eyeliners on a sleepless night. Those colors will only accentuate under eye circles." Experts recommend MAC's Navy stain Powerpoint liner. "The color is not too bright but also has a hint of metallic that will also make your eyes sparkle in the early morning. The formula is long lasting, and waterproof but glides on effortlessly." Hmmmm.
7. Brows. "Do your best to keep up with maintenance of your eyebrow shape and skin condition. Yes, right, if you don't have enough time to sleep, how will you squeeze in a tweeze? But beauty experts say the eyebrow more than any other single feature will change the whole look of your face." Agreed. I visit my brow-master Janie at Sanctuary Salon in Coronado 1x a month to wax my brows.
8. Blush or bronzer is another way to appear more awake! Sometimes, sleepless nights require a little more blush to make you look refreshed and alive! I tried Stila cream blush and love it!
9. Lip color is a must! This will always make you look your very best in the early morning. Good to know. I often skip it.
10. Invest in a good eye cream. A good friend recommended Trish McEvoy eye serusm and says it works wonders. Haven’t tried it yet, but she looks great so I give it the thumbs up!
11. Wear Bright Colors. "Reach for bright colored clothes in the morning…they instantly perk up your skin. Avoid greys, black, kahkis, beiges and browns…they will make your skin appear lackluster and dull." This is an easy one but I wouldn’t have thought of it on my own.
Weee! I'm hoping these makeup trips help me look more awake and refreshed.
Here's a picture of me after trying out these tips, on my way to Stroller Strides. What do you think?
Anything I missed? If so, please share. For the LOVE OF GOD, DON'T HOLD OUT ON ME!!!
Note: As of two weeks ago, Baby Holland has begun sleeping through the night. HOOORAY!!! But it still took me two weeks to get this post up. Why? See this blog post.
Baby Holland still wakes up once or twice a night to eat. Marley—who’s had a spotless sleeping record for about three years—has decided to follow in her little sister’s footsteps, and wake up twice a night also. Awesome.
Some nights I go from Marley’s room to Holland’s room and back again. WTF. I wake up each morning feeling tired and pissed off. Worst of all…I LOOK tired and pissed off! NOT okay.
I decided to scour the internet to see what kinds of tricks the beauty experts had for me to help me look more rested, dewy, and beautiful. Here’s what I found.
Top 11 Makeup Tips for the Tired Mom to Look More Awake and Refreshed
1. Start your day with a big glass of water. Beauty experts say, "The best way to wake up skin is to hydrate, both inside and out." Okay, I can do this. No matter how exhausted I am, I can manage to pour myself an eff-ing glass of water.
2. Skip foundation. Opt for tinted moisturizer instead. "Tired skin tends to be rough and uneven, and foundation looks best on a smooth surface. Instead, go for a lightweight tinted moisturizer; it'll glide on and help tone down skin's natural redness. Tip: Make your own tinted moisturizer by mixing a few drops of your foundation with your moisturizer." Mission accomplished! Thanks to tips from a reader via Becca of Blissful Nest, I have purchased and now LOVE Stila's tinted moisturizer.
3. Cover that shit up. Experts swear by YSL’s Touche Eclat for an instant pick me up. Hoorah! I actually own this one and loooove it. It hides my mega dark circles and skin coloration under my eyes.
4. Curl your lashes. Curling the lashes instantly opens the eyes and makes them appear larger. According to one beauty expert, “the best eyelash curler on the market is Shu Uemera. It’s a little more expensive than the drugstore eyelash curlers, but so worth every penny! The wider curler fits the eye shape better and gently curves the lashes and doesn’t bend them in half.” Sold. I’m looking it up on Sephora right now...darn it...they say it's no longer available in the U.S., but they have the next best thing.
5. Mascara is another way to appear more awake. "After curling your lashes, apply two coats of navy mascara to make the whites appear brighter and more awake." OK. I will replace my black with navy. Done!
6. Eyeliners should also be deep navy or blue to make the whites look their whitest. "You want to avoid any purples, khakis or brown eyeliners on a sleepless night. Those colors will only accentuate under eye circles." Experts recommend MAC's Navy stain Powerpoint liner. "The color is not too bright but also has a hint of metallic that will also make your eyes sparkle in the early morning. The formula is long lasting, and waterproof but glides on effortlessly." Hmmmm.
7. Brows. "Do your best to keep up with maintenance of your eyebrow shape and skin condition. Yes, right, if you don't have enough time to sleep, how will you squeeze in a tweeze? But beauty experts say the eyebrow more than any other single feature will change the whole look of your face." Agreed. I visit my brow-master Janie at Sanctuary Salon in Coronado 1x a month to wax my brows.
8. Blush or bronzer is another way to appear more awake! Sometimes, sleepless nights require a little more blush to make you look refreshed and alive! I tried Stila cream blush and love it!
9. Lip color is a must! This will always make you look your very best in the early morning. Good to know. I often skip it.
10. Invest in a good eye cream. A good friend recommended Trish McEvoy eye serusm and says it works wonders. Haven’t tried it yet, but she looks great so I give it the thumbs up!
11. Wear Bright Colors. "Reach for bright colored clothes in the morning…they instantly perk up your skin. Avoid greys, black, kahkis, beiges and browns…they will make your skin appear lackluster and dull." This is an easy one but I wouldn’t have thought of it on my own.
Weee! I'm hoping these makeup trips help me look more awake and refreshed.
Here's a picture of me after trying out these tips, on my way to Stroller Strides. What do you think?
Anything I missed? If so, please share. For the LOVE OF GOD, DON'T HOLD OUT ON ME!!!
Note: As of two weeks ago, Baby Holland has begun sleeping through the night. HOOORAY!!! But it still took me two weeks to get this post up. Why? See this blog post.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)