Friday, March 16, 2012

Top 9 Things I Wish I'd Done Differently in Childbirth

I had the honor of helping throw my good friend Gretchen's baby shower the other day, and it brought back such beautiful memories of having my first baby.  The feeling of holding her in my arms for the first time, the wonder of her tiny little fingers and toes, the sheer joy of knowing she was finally HERE...and the suffering, carnage, and sheer horror that was my birth experience.

Yeah. Good times.

Now, I wasn't trying for a natural birth, or hypno-birthing, or a V-back at home, or any other ballsy maneuvers my much braver and ballsier friends have been attempting these days . I'd resigned myself to taking drugs, and was just hoping to push my little baby out in relative peace. Not such a tall order in these modern times, was it?  It was.

Here, for your reading pleasure...

The Top 9 Things I Wish I'd Done Differently During Childbirth.
1. I really, really wish I hadn't eaten that giant burrito in the early stages of labor. I wasn't really hungry. But it was 2 in the morning and I was really, really tired of counting minutes between contractions, and that juicy bean-cheese-rice-and-guacamole burrito was just sitting there, so neat and tempting, all wrapped up in that crispy yellow paper.  What would it hurt, to just take a FEW bites of this tempting morsel of goodness? Fast forward ten minutes. I've eaten the entire burrito and I am REALLY cramping up. The contractions are getting harder and closer together and I know it's time to go to the hospital. But....I just ate this huge burrito. Holy crap, I had to try to poop it out! Otherwise I was going to be one of those pregnant horror stories pooping on the delivery room table. And...guess what? I was.

2. I wish I'd told my husband to hurry the f-ck UP! When I wrestled Ian from bed at 3am, he looked like he might move pretty fast. I was ready to go. Bags packed. Kneeling by the front door in pain. When I heard....the shower running? Yes, my beloved was TAKING A SHOWER to freshen up before the birthing of our daughter. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. Then, when Ian, smelling of cologne and shampoo, finaally managed to head in the general direction of the exit, he paused for a moment to turn on the stereo and select the right station for our dog and cat, so "they'd feel comfortable" when we were gone. I sh-t you not.

3. I wish we didn't listen to the "Boys in the Hood" by NWA on the way to the hospital.  What once was a perfectly good -rap song is now tinged with pain and fear.

4. I wish I'd gotten to the hospital ahead of the annoying couple in line in front of us in Triage. (See #1 and #2 above for reasons we were late.) This couple was annoying. She wasn't even in labor. I was practically doubled over on the floor, and she was TEXTING people. B-tch should have MOVED OUT OF THE WAY.

5. I wish I hadn't wasted my time making the stupid goodie basket for the nurses. They probably didn't give a shit, and I had no business buying ribbon and a basket from Michaels at 39 weeks and stuffing it with cookies. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

6. I wish I had told them to give me the epidural SOONER. Waiting until you are about to rip the I.V. out of your arm and wheel your pregnant ass to the window to plunge headfirst into the parking lot five stories below in the hopes of ending it all is TOO LATE. Why, oh why, didn't I get the epidural at 5 centimeters when I had the chance? Getting it at 8 is no bueno!

7. I wish I hadn't let that Nazi nurse midwife boss me around. She wasn't even a DOCTOR and I let her turn my epidural down because I was a "poor pusher."

8. I wish I'd remembered to that I had a SPECIAL BUTTON to self-administer more drugs. I was in so much pain I forgot about the button. Ian forgot about the button. My mom forgot about the button. I was clutching it my hands the whole time, crying, screaming, and wishing I was dead. Why didn't SOMEONE remind me about the button?

9. I wish I could remember the exact moment that I pulled my baby girl into my arms. A moment that sweet and perfect eclipses all pain, suffering, and fear. I wish I could articulate to my friends, pregnant with their first babies, that it is OK...everything will turn out just fine. And despite our "perfect" birth plans, God has his own plan, and hopefully it involves a lot of drugs!

Thanks for reading. Anything you wish you'd done differently during childbirth? If so, please share!