Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Top 10 Signs You Have an Online Shopping Problem

Wondering if you have an online shopping problem? Don't sweat it! I've done all the work for you. See the Top 10 Warning Signs below.

1. At 6am, 8am and 9am you can be found fixated on your computer like a crazed maniac, dragging and dropping clothes, shoes, rainboots, and baby hairbows into your cart before you can say "free shipping on returns!" If--during sale times--you find yourself in a compromising situation (ie, changing a poopy diaper, tending to a sick child, driving, or otherwise unavailable) you break out into a cold sweat, your pupils dilate and your eyes shift in the direction of your iPad. You're missing something BIG. You just know it.
2. You let your baby cry alone in the closet while you buy shit online. Hey, you were trying to get her some of the latest Tea Collection dresses on SALE! It was for her well-being. What is more important than using fashion to boost early confidence?
3. You spastically hoard items in your cart, and play silly games to justify your purchase. For example, you might put a bunch of items in your cart, then leave the house to do some grocery shopping. You tell yourself, if the items are STILL IN YOUR CART when you get home, it was MEANT TO BE and they are YOURS TO PURCHASE. If they're gone, then you weren't meant to have them. (I'm not saying this because I actually DO this.)
4. You're on a first-name basis with your UPS delivery man.
5. It's not unusual to receive 3 or 4 packages on any given day.
6. You start to think your UPS delivery man is hot. What? He brings so many awesome packages!
7. You hide your purchases all over the house, like a drug dealer hides his drugs. Then you wait until your husband and kids are out of the house and you check out your loot. Sometimes you'll even release a small witch's cackle when you open up the boxes, just to celebrate the elegance of being so sneaky.
8. You've unsubscribed to Zulily, Gilt, and Ruelala sale emails a few times each so you won't be tempted to check out the sales. Then you re-subscribe because you hate missing the sales. What?
9. Sometimes at 8:59am you will sit on the Gilt page and hit "refresh" every 2 seconds to get the best chance of scoring some cool shit. No, I do not do this.
10, You're a stay-at-home mom. Yeah! You're f-cked. Online shopping was made for sleep-deprived suckers like you, who can't manage to take their crazy-ass kids to the mall because they will FREAK THE F-CK OUT and make you wish you'd never left the house.

If you exhibit any of the warning signs above, it's time to get OFF your iPad and stop buying shit! What, you think money grows on trees?

Do you have issues with online shopping? The first step is admitting you have a problem. Please share your story and help others heal.

WHATEVER. What cool sites am I missing? Help me score!