Monday, December 15, 2014

First World Problems on the Family Ski Trip

I know, I know. I shouldn't complain about first-world problems on a family ski trip. I'm lucky to even GO on a ski trip. It's elitist and bourgeois to complain about it.

Furthermore, you might think it's terribly self-centered--even rude--to write this post when there are things like riots, poverty, melting polar ice caps, and whatever the rest of the world is worried about. But I can assure you, that's not entirely true. All problems are relative, and the issues we faced on our skip trip may have lasting and damaging effects, both psychological and emotional. The consequences are far-reaching!

Don't believe me? Read on.

Top 11 First-World Problems on the Family Ski Trip*

1. Your airline will offer a complementary glass of wine on the flight over. You graciously accept, because there's no sense in being rude. Apparently the other passengers thought that 9am was too early to drink Chardonnay, and the flight attendant keeps coming by to refill your glass otherwise she will have to throw the bottle away, and it makes her "feel really sad to waste." (I couldn't agree more, sister. ) Now, you're drunk.
2. Your kids are so engrossed in mindless electronics that you are able to read an Elle magazine from start to finish. That damn magazine has been sitting on your bedside table for 3 months and it gives you indescribable satisfaction to read it. But now you've finished it, your kids are playing happily on their iPads, and you have nothing left to do but talk to your husband. But he doesn't want to talk because he's wearing his new noise cancellation headphones.
3. When you get to the hotel, you make a grisly discovery: All humidifers are not created equal. The humidifier in you and your husband's side of the suite is much louder and less effective than the newer model in your children's room. Do you selfishly swipe humidifiers or suffer in silence?
4. Your kids look so damn cute in their ski outfits you are tempted to dangerously over-post to Facebook. You realize you're morphing into one of those people that you hate. You promise to take some really lame and unflattering pictures of yourself and the kids to balance things out. Your husband looks like a male model in every pic, so you avoid posting photos of him unless absolutely necessary.
5. Ski school. The resort makes it too easy to dump your kids and snowboard virtually all day. Throw enough money at them, and they will take your 3-year-old and 6-year-old from 9am to 3pm and teach them out to ski. What? Are you fucking kidding me? Granted, your 3-year-old was a train wreck, but you couldn't REALLY hear her crying when you were zooming overhead on the chairlift. No harm, no foul. But now your 6-year-old thinks its normal to attend ski school every day of the vacation and freaks out when you tell her she can't go the last day.   What, Daddy doesn't sell enough boats to go to ski school three days in a row?
6. You couldn't pack your nice juicer so you are forced to drink non-organic, processed, store-bought juice. The horror! You miss your zesty blend of spinach, kale, carrot, cucumber and jalapeƱo. But you find yourself rather enjoying the fun spike in blood sugar!
7. A family member can--and will--contract a stomach virus and puke all over the bed in the middle of the night. (Ahem. Your 3-year-old.) You will conveniently come down with this virus at your husband's Christmas Party several days later.
8. A second family member can--and will--contract a nasty cough, and will proceed to cough REPEATEDLY IN YOUR EAR ALL NIGHT for 2 days running. (Ahem, your 6-year-old.)
9. The ski conditions are so beautiful that you feel guilty for NOT snowboarding all day. The truth is, you haven't boarded all day since you were 25. And now, at 37, you're old and tired and only want to board half-days, because you're old and tired. But you feel like such a pussy for going in early. You secretly pray for some weather so you can sit on your ass by the fire, drink wine, and watch TV.
10. Are there any elevators in the resort? Great! Your 3-year-old will inevitably dart ahead of you and disappear into an elevator for about 12 minutes while everyone searches for her on multiple floors.
11. On the plane ride home, your family is ordained to sit behind Perfect Organic Mom and her Perfect 2-Year-Old. The Perfect Organic 2-Year-Old is content to sit quietly on Mom's lap, flipping through her HANDMADE BOOK made up of pictures from magazines, cut-out, glued to each page and labeled. We're talking stuff like "Dog" and "Jumprope" and "Rainbow" and "House." Obviously the mom made this stupid book, and you want to slap her. Who has time for this shit? The Perfect Organic 2-Year-Old has better speech and articulation than your 3-year-old who throws her iPad at you when Peter Pan doesn't load. Your eyes bore holes into Perfect Organic Mom and you're pretty sure you have a visible snarl on your face.

*Disclaimer: We are not the type of family to spend thousands of dollars on a beautiful, pristine ski-in, ski-out resort in Park City. Not because we don't want to, but because we are too damn cheap. This trip was courtesy of a generous grant by the Donna Van Tuyl Foundation. Because mother-in-laws can, and do, plan amazing vacations for their children and grandkids. But we did pay for our airfare, so go ahead and judge us.