Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Love Me Some Schweddy Balls

I have mixed feelings about the new Schweddy Balls Ice Cream from Ben and Jerry's. First I want to laugh. Then I want to eat it. Then I wonder if I'll ever have to explain it to Marley. But mainly, I just want to eat it.

But I wonder if it tastes as good as it sounds? Because there's nothing better than sinking your mouth around some Schweddy Balls.

Obviously a bunch of conservative groups have their panties in a bunch about this and are asking that the ice cream no longer be made and distributed.

"The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive," read a statement released by One Million Moms, a division of the Mississippi-based American Family Association. "Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket."

Fair enough.
What do you think about the new Schweddy Balls Ice Cream? Yay or nay?

Breakfast Surprise!

Marley was happily eating her oatmeal this morning. Baby Holland was slurping down her bottle of milk. Daddy was typing something into his iPhone. Then all of a sudden......AAAHHHCHOOO!

Marley let out a huge sneeze. I looked up to see giant boogers pouring out her nose! Oh, gross! I jumped up to grab a tissue, then ran back to see Ian staring at her in horror. They weren't boogers coming out of Marley's nose...they were STICKERS. What the hell?

"What the hell?" Ian exclaimed. "Marley, did you shove STICKERS up your nose?" Marley was horrified and started crying. On closer inspection, one was a Dora the Explorer sticker. I elected not to unfold the other one to see what it was.

"Marley," I said. "You can't shove stickers up your nose! Then you might get a big owie, and we'll have to go to the doctor!"

Marley continued to cry.

"Marley, when did you stick the stickers up your nose?" I asked. "Was it yesterday?"

"Noooo," Marley cried.

"Was it the day before yesterday?" I asked. How long had these stickers been in there?

"Nooooo," said Marley. "It was a long time ago. A very long time ago."

Yikes. How long can stuff stay shoved up your nose? I had no idea. Now I know what she's been doing during "Quiet Time."

I know, I'm not exactly innocent. When I was a kid I shoved a bunch of ants and rolly-pollys up my nose. I still remember sitting on the bathroom counter while my dad pulled their crusty corpses out with tweezers.

What's the weirdest thing your kids have shoved up their nose? And anyone know how long stuff can stay shoved up there?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Top 10 Reasons I Haven't Written a New Blog Post Lately

1. This juicy little thing, Baby Holland. Baby Holland is really into eating. Sleeping--not so much. This means I am feeding her all the time. I'm nursing her, I'm pumping my boobs, I'm cleaning breast pump parts, I'm cleaning bottles. Baby Holland is really cute and super snuggly, but she needs to take a nap. Doesn't she know that I have important things to do, like shop online, screw around on Facebook and catch up on Us Weekly?

2. Breast pump parts and bottle cleaning. Yeah. All the time there are random bottle parts and breast pump parts rolling around on the counter. They are gross and need to be cleaned.

3. Messy closet. I no sooner organize Marley's closet than it gets all crazy again.

4. Crazy bathroom. Needs to be cleaned. Note the naked Barbie Orgy in the bathtub.

5. Pekingese walking. Pagoda needs to be walked. Sometimes I try to let him out in our little courtyard, but I don't think he enjoys pooping on the flowers.

6. Playing doctor. Marley is pretty independent, and I've put her to work feeding Baby Holland, bringing me diapers and wiping down the countertops, but sometimes she needs attention. Right now her favorite game is "DOCTOR." She specializes in treating spider bites, but the other day a patient got trampled by a bunch of people who "freaked out" when they saw a lion. Playing "DOCTOR" always includes my involvement, because someone needs to be the patient. That's just the dynamic, yo.

7. Endless laundry and dishes. I swear someone sneaks into my house at night and fills my sink with dirty dishes. Ditto on the dirty clothes.

8. Stroller Chaos. Behold, the double-wide BOB Stroller. I'm always cleaning this thing out, and it's always getting re-filled with a bunch of crap.So I have to clean it out. Again. (Picture coming soon! The stroller was actually having a good day. I have to wait a good 4-6 hours for it to get fucked up again.)

9. Wine. I enjoy drinking wine, and this takes time.

10. Ian. When I do have a free moment (usually after both kids are sound asleep at night) I actually like to hang around this guy--my husband, Ian. Ian is pretty much a badass. (Let's just say he's the Honeybadger of all husbands.) Not only does he work his butt off selling boats to people who don't need to be buying boats in a shitty economy, but he makes our breakfast. If he wasn't around, there would be no breakfast. And no place to live since he supports us.

Are your kids, pets, or other family members selfishly taking up all your time and preventing you from accomplishing your dreams? What would you do if you had more time?