Thursday, April 4, 2013

Top Ten Spring Break Survival Tips for the Stay-at-Home Mom

Before you know it, Spring Break is upon us. That's right folks, school's out...welcome to an entire week with the kids at HOME! What the fuck are you going to do?

Don't dismay. I am here to help! Here are my Top Ten Spring Break Survival Tips.

1. Come to terms with what "Spring Break" means as a mother. If you're like most, "spring break" still conjures up images of hot babes in bikinis (us, ten years ago) doing body shots off hot, chiseled men (our husbands, rather--other people's husbands, ten years ago) in Mexico, back when it was safe to actually go there (ten years ago.) Fun, fun, fun! I am here to remind you (because you ALREADY know this, you do!) that things are different now. "Spring Break" is not a "break" now unless you are a teacher and it's not "fun" unless you are 19-years-old and sucking tequila out of a straw. Spring break is many things to a thirty-five-year-old mom, but it is NOT fun.
2. Make sure you know when Spring Break actually IS. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT be a complete idiot and plan a "Spring Break Family Vacation" the week prior to the real Spring Break because you failed to check the school dates, ultimately taking your kids out of school for an entire week when school is in session to play in the sun, then securing your time at home with them for yet ANOTHER WEEK when school is out, giving yourself two nonstop weeks of action...STUPID STUPID STUPID.
3. Don't assume that your nanny will actually show up to give you one morning off. Don't make an appointment to get your unibrow waxed or your nails done, or entertain any fantasies about yoga, or even waiting in line at Starbucks alone. Because as soon as you start to make big plans, your nanny will get sick and NOT SHOW UP.
4. Assume the worst in general. If your one-year-old is going to take a dump in the bath tub, it will happen when your misbehaving 4-year-old is out of school for Spring Break right after she has stomped on her friend's sandcastle and your husband is out of town for work. It will follow that there will be a maximum number of toys in the tub during the time of the poop, tainting not only Jasmine, Tiana, one of Cinderella's horses, several My Little Ponies, but also a naked Ken doll, eight legos and several wash clothes. It would also make sense that your one-year-old would try to scoop the poop out with her bare hands then smear it all over her hair and the side of the bath. And of course, this would ONLY occur the very day after the cleaning lady has come to scrub out your nasty bathtub.
5. Do not under any circumstances let your husband travel for business to L.A. during "Spring Break," and text you pictures of all the delicious food he is eating and glamorous beach-front hotel bars he is drinking at, most likely with hot models and actresses in direct eyeshot. Especially when you're eating stale cereal for dinner, haven't washed your hair in two days, are sporting globs of acne medication and extra-thick glasses. (And, don't forget the unibrow.)
6. DON'T get crazy and take your kids to the Seaworld or the Zoo. What, are you high?
7. DO escape the spring break hoards by planning fun backyard playdates with your friends, preferably with champagne. If you don't have a backyard, it's time to make some friends. Bonus points if they have chickens. Double bonus points if they send you home with bags of kale, chard, or other leafy greens fresh from their garden. (Ladies, you know who you are, thank you!)
8. DO ambush various family members with "surprise" visits, drop off your kids, and drive like mad to the nearest yoga studio. You need yoga now like never before, girlfriend.
9. Remember it's OK that you are bat-shit crazy. Anyone would break from reality after watching two or more kids all day with no breaks. It's not you. There is nothing wrong with you. YOU DON'T NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP OR ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION OR AN INTERVENTION OR THE SUICIDE HOTLINE. YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T! THE VOICES ARE YOUR FRIENDS, THEY MEAN NO HARM, THE VOICES...
10. Drink more wine. It is always there for you, it never talks back to you, and it never shits in the bathtub.

Thank you for reading! I hope everyone out there is having a freaking awesome Spring Break!!!