Enter: debilitating hangover. Not the kind you can talk yourself out of with pancakes, Gatorade, and fresh air. The kind where you wake up with your contacts in and eye makeup smudged on your pillowcase. The kind where you're still wearing your shirt from last night, complete with uncomfortable push up bra. (One boob is mysteriously out of the bra.) The kind of hangover that oozes doom and damnation like pus from a festering wound.
It's 6am, and you only know one thing for certain: you're going to puke.
On your way to the bathroom to hurl, you bump into your five-year-old daughter. What day is it, you ask yourself. Is it a school day? And then you realize...today is Saturday, Daddy's working, and you have hired a babysitter to watch your two-year-old so you can take your older child out for a special outing: Seaworld.
"It's Mommy & Marley day!" announces your daughter with glee. "We are going to SEAWORLD!" And she gives you the biggest, most genuine hug ever.
You're not getting out of this. You're going to Seaworld. You're going to Seaworld HUNGOVER.
Now, there are a lot worse places to go hungover, but Seaworld is towards the top of the list. It's crowded, there's not a lot of shade, and it smells like fish.
I don't like to suffer in vain, so I'd like to pass along a few nuggets of wisdom.
Top Ten Tips for Surviving Seaworld Hungover
1. Assuming you've managed to puke a few times and purge the toxins from last night's wine binge, you'll need to refuel. Head to your nearest taco shop and order up a bean, cheese, rice and guacamole burrito. If your kid is cool, she will think that eating in a dicey taco shop is a fun and unique experience. She'll even split your burrito with you, saving you like a million carbs.
2. Do not go to Seaworld if the temperature exceeds 70 degrees. Do not go when it is 95 degrees like Dumbass over here. (That means me.)
3. Beware of the shows. It seems like it would be relaxing to watch Shamu frolicking about in the water. But in reality, you're just sitting there, baking in the sun like a crusty, dried out scab. And watching that chick dressed up like a bird flying around and doing acrobatics can make you really dizzy.
4. Do not under ANY circumstances enter Elmo's Bay of Play. And for God's sake, don't let your kid climb up the rope stairs and enter the complex network of overhead tunnels and descend into Satan's Labyrinth of Lost Children. Whoever invented that should be shot. Unless you want to be one of those wild-eyed parents scanning tunnels for their kids, climbing up the rope nets, dropping their keys and frothing in fear. They're probably hungover too.
5. Don't forget your bottle of water. Duh.
6. DO head to the Shark Encounter, Turtle Reef and Aquariums. These areas are dark and air conditioned and only smell mildly of fish.
7. If you think you're going to puke, go to the Penguin Encounter immediately. The super cold air works wonders.
8. Avoid the tall spinning tower. First, it spins around. Second, if you think you're going to puke, there's nowhere to go. You have to wait for that damn thing to come back down.
9. Don't let your kid buy the fish to feed the sea lions. Obviously.
10. If you really get into trouble, Seaworld does serve beer. Just sayin'.
In case you're wondering, I did manage to pull myself together and have a great time with Marley at Seaworld. On the way home, I asked her which "Marley and Mommy Day" was more fun...last month, when we went to go see Flight of the Butterflies at IMAX and the science museum when I was spry, organized, and well-rested, or today. She answered defiantly, "Today!"
So yeah, I'm not winning any awards here for Super Mom (as far as I know Super Mom doesn't get hungover because she has super powers) but at least I got my shit together and was able to enjoy my sweet little girl. Peace out.