Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Most Awkward Family Photos EVER

Think you've got some weird and awkward family photos? Then check this out from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. That's right...there is a whole website DEDICATED to sharing your creepiest, most curious, or just plain disturbing family photos.

I stumbled upon this site yesterday and found it drenching with awesome-ness. Do yourself a favor and skip to the website's Hall of Fame link to see the best shots. Here's a smattering of my favs below!

Is it just me, or is this Easter Bunny about three seconds away from performing illegal acts on this poor little girl?

Nothing like snapping the yearly family photo at a Renaissance Fair...complete with a Daddy Centaur!

Whoever thought of this should be shot.

Again...someone needs to pay for this photo.

Action shot! Maybe Daddy should be holding onto the other little kid....

Who is RESPONSIBLE for this?

Oh my...there's a lot going on here...

Simply stunning.

I'm terribly vexed...and more than a little scared for the parakeet.

I have no idea.

Thanks for reading, and if you can shed light on any of these intriguing and puzzling images, please do. And if you have any jacked-up family photos you'd like to share, please send along! 

Leave a comment while you're here! I changed the blog format so ANYONE can leave a comment now, and you don't have to be signed in with Google and all.

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Reality Check: Top 8 Things I Want Right Now (But Can't Have)

#1. What I want:


#2: What I want:


#3. What I want:


#4. What I want:


#5. What I want:


#6. What I want:


#7. What I want:


#8. What I want:


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This picture accurately encapsulates how I feel right now. Mrrrrrrr.

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Monday, April 18, 2011

Top 10 Questionable Baby Gifts: The Weird, the Tasteless and the Tacky

Looking to make a splash at the next baby shower or birthday party? Bring one of these gifts to the party to make an impression that lasts!

1. The Self Confidence-Boosting Onesie. Start the guilt trips early with this glib little number. Watch your child grow into a humble young adult, ready to blame himself for all of life's mishaps. Because it's never too early to start building a healthy sense of self-worth!

2. Marijuana Halloween Costume.  Your kid will be the hit of the party in this sweet little ensemble. What would make this costume SUPER cool is if there was medical marijuana card sewed into one of the leaves.

3. Baby Bangs. No bangs? No problem. Your precious little girl can sport the newest trend with "Baby Bangs," the headband with fringe bangs. While you're at it, might we also suggest overplucking her eyebrows, applying thick lipliner, and subjecting your daughter to multiple ear piercings.

4. Princess Sweeper Set. Show your daughter her place in the world with this Disney Princess sweeper set. This gift makes a powerful statement, and let's face it...it's never too soon give your kid a leg up in the janitorial profession!

5. The Little Pole Dancer Doll. There are no words.

6. Child's Sized Hooter's T-shirt. Only three things come to mind when I see this....three letters to be exact: WTF.

7.  This ingenious product doesn't even seem to have a name, but the picture says it all.

8. Weird Daddy Saddle. Why spend all that money at summer camp when your tiny tot can ride Daddy instead? Trust me, your husband will LOVE it!

9. Princess Diana Baby Doll.  For just $150, your favorite pedophile little one can pay tribute to Princess Di. Er...a very adult-looking Diana shrunk into a baby's body. Creeptastic!

10. The Zaky Baby Pillow. Because who WOULDN'T want their child comforted by a pair of dismembered hands? This product takes the cake as the most disturbing product in the lineup. The manufacturer even recommends imprinting your scent by sleeping with one of the arms. Um...yeah.

Did I miss anything? Anyone else seen a weird, questionable, or truly tasteless baby gift? If so, please share!

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Friday, April 15, 2011

Overheard During Marley's Quiet Time

Since Marley has aborted naps roughly 70% of the time, we have implemented a new "Quiet Time" policy. Quiet Time starts at about 1pm and lasts for one hour. During Quiet Time, Marley is allowed to play (quietly) with some choice toys in her room.

Lately, she's been really into her princess castle. The princess castle has a doorbell (I had no idea castles came with doorbells) and it receives many visitors and guests...mainly Snow White, Cinderella, Jasmine, and Sleeping Beauty.

Even with her door closed, I can hear the lively interactions between all the different princesses as they enter the castle.

But yesterday during Quiet Time, the castle received a new group of guests. This is what I heard.

DING DONG. Hi Daddy! It's Daddy. Come in Daddy! Daddy, do you have any MONEY for Marley? I want to buy new DVD.  You do? Thank you Daddy. Thank you for the MONEY. I love you SO much! I'm going to buy Tangled. It's your favorite? It's Marley's favorite TOO! OK, bye-bye, see you next time!

DING DONG. Who is it? It's Nanna! Hi Nanna! Do you have any MONEY for Marley? Where is your MONEY? You do? Thank you Nanna! Do you want a cookie? Ok, bye-bye...see you next time!

DING DONG. Hi Mamma! Do you have any MONEY for Marley?  You DON'T? You don't have any MONEY? OK, see you later!

Yup. That's my daughter. At two-and-a-half, she is groveling for MONEY from her loved ones, rewarding the ones who cough it up with love and cookies. And unceremoniously booting the ones that don't have any MONEY.

So like a good mom, what do I do to encourage the habit? I got her a piggy bank.

I guess it's just like the song...mo' money, mo' problems.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Baby Loves Disco? Damn Straight Baby Loves Disco!

What is Baby Loves Disco? Only the BEST THING EVER!

In short, it's a super-fun dance party for kids AND adults. (Really!) They play current and classic dance music in a club-esque, child-proof atmosphere. Insanely. Fun.

Says the website, "This is not the Mickey Mouse Club, and Barney is banned. Baby Loves Disco is a real dance party featuring real music spun by real DJs."

Why should you care? Well, Baby Loves Disco is going on tour, and arrives in San Diego on July 30th, 2011. The party is at the beautiful Loews Resort in the Coronado Cays. See this link for other tour stops and to buy tickets.

It is awesome. We went last year and had a blast! The event featured great snacks for kids, like sandwiches with the crust cut off and juice, as well as wine and beer for Mom and Dad. Cheers to that! (I'm pretty sure my husband was drunk.) They also have plenty of other kid-friendly activities, a chillout room, face painting and more. But you'll spend most of the time on the dance floor rocking out with your kids.

Best part? This year's theme is "Super Hero," so you can dress up your tots in their fierce and fabulous finest! (Bonus points for Moms and Dads who sport costume as well.)

And, I should mention, that Marley WON the dance contest last year. All the kids got a chance to jam to "Dynamite" by Tao Cruz and Marley danced away with the prize. (It probably didn't hurt that we listened to that song every day in the car.)

Come check it out this year to see if Marley can hold onto her title! But get your tickets now, because it will sell out.

See you on the dance floor.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

You Think I'm Funny! You Really Do!

Wow! I feel so....so....VALIDATED! My little blog has officially made the Top 25 Funny Mom Blogs with Circle of Moms!!! Not only is Questionable Parenting permanently featured on their website, but I got this killer little write-up, too!

So to everyone who voted for me, thank you soooo much! And for those of you mammas I see around town, THANK YOU for all your kind comments. It makes me feel so awesome that my blog can bring a smile to your faces. This little hobby of mine--although it earns me zero dollars--is turning into the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Weeeeeeeee!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Getting Your Ass Kicked by a Two-Year-Old

It's true. Today, I got my ass kicked by a two-year old. She's only about 38 inches tall and 32 pounds, but her small stature and sweet smile belie a formidable opponent. It was a battle of the wills, and I lost.

She dumped a bag full of cranberries into the fireplace. She threw her glockenspiel across the room. She refused to eat. She decided to mix four tubs of play-doh with a pitcher of water to see "what happens."

To be fair, she's been sick for a few days, and is just getting over a nasty cough. We haven't been sticking to our schedule and doing our usual, fun activities. So, she's in the weird purgatory of being "on the mend" but not 100% better, yet with tons of energy to burn. VERY, VERY SCARY.

And I've had a busy weekend. Two beautiful, back-to-back weddings and two late nights, mixed with high heels and very pregnant belly...well, needless to say, I'm exhausted.

The two-year-old that kicked my ass (let's just call her Marley) decided to continue the brutal, savage beating all day long, in front of multiple family members. So not only do I have the comfort of knowing that my own offspring can kick my ass, but I have to endure the humiliation of knowing that now EVERYONE KNOWS that she can kick my ass.

And what kind of mom allows a two-year-old to kick her ass? So of course I'm questioning myself...am I being too easy on her? Too accommodating? Do I need to be stricter, more of a disciplinarian? Thing is, most of the time, Marley is really good, so I rarely have to exercise a lot of discipline. But when she's bad....LOOK OUT! And since I get so little practice, I feel completely unprepared to deal with the crazed, deranged little devil that has taken over the body of my first-born.

Then my mother-in-law told me a story about my husband's sister, Shelly, that made me feel MUCH better. When Shelly was three years old, she got angry with her mommy. So what did she do? She went into the bathroom, pooped, smeared it all over the the heater, turned it on, and locked the door. (Sorry Shelly.)

Needless to say, I feel much better! Sure, cranberries and wet play-doh make a sticky mess, but nothing like hot, stinky poop. Thanks Shelly, for smearing your poop over the heater. I owe you one!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Trials and Tribulations of the Lock-Obsessed Toddler

I don't know about your kids, but my two-year-old is completely OBSESSED with locks. Nothing gives her a greater sense of accomplishment than successfully locking a door. Bonus points? When she locks herself, a family member, or a dog or cat in (or out) of a room. Or the house, for that matter.

In her free time, Marley enjoys locking Pagoda into the upstairs bathroom. She locks herself into her nursery. She locks our cat onto the patio. She locks Daddy into the garage, and mommy out on the balcony.

Good times. For this reason, I always have a butter knife handy to jimmy the lock. (At our old house, it was a screwdriver.)

To curtail her contraband locking activities, I invested in a couple of lock-based toys, thinking this would lessen the need to lock other things around the house.

My mom, God Bless her, bought Marley this lock-board from Melissa and Doug.

She also loves the Critter Clinic, a gift from her last birthday.

Needless to say, the lock toys only seemed to fuel her obsession and fine-tune her locking skills. Now, she is empowered. Sly, dexterous, and spunky...no lock is past her skill!

Case in point: Today, she locked her preschool teacher out of the building. When poor Miss Leah stepped out to grab some kid's shoes from the outside cubbies, Marley swiftly locked the door to the classroom.

"I panicked," a shaken Miss Leah said to me when I picked up Marley from school today. "I could hear the kids in there freaking out, so I had to run down the alley and around the back of the building to get back inside. I've never ran so fast in my life!"

Yeah. Luckily, the kids held it together in the classroom and nothing happened. No barbaric tribal rituals or sacrifices ensued in her absence. But I'm sure Miss Leah will be pouring an extra class of wine tonight. I know I would!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Sh-t My Kids Ruined and other Hilarity

Since I am still recovering from the Top 25 Funny Mommy Blogs contest, and my two-year old has ABORTED NAPS and I just spent 20 minutes walking her to her dance class in the sweltering heat, only to have her CRY and REFUSE to dance, after we just spent $50 on her tutu for her spring recital, for which she has learned no choreography, so I walked her all the way back home and now I'm sweaty and PISSED, feeling like a jipped stage mom...ugh...what was I saying?

Basically, I'm annoyed today and don't feel like writing, but I am in serious need of a laugh, so I wanted to share with you some funny-ass blogs I found. If you're having a shitty day too, I hope they cheer you up!

The first one is called Shit My Kids Ruined. The name says it all. Elegant in its simplicity, this blog features photos that readers send in of...you guessed it...shit their kids ruined. Genius! All I have to do is look at this blog and laugh. (I guess crying through dance class isn't so bad after all when compared to some of these pics.)

I'm also a huge fan of the mommy blog Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva, in particular, this post called Toddlers vs. Assholes.  Just read it, okay? Trust me.

And finally, I came across this post from the Little Hen House blog regarding toddler breastfeeding and La Leche League. I almost choked on my green tea when I read this one. F-cking hilarious! She basically rips La Leche League a new one for making mommies feel like crap if they don't breastfeed their babies for like, I don't know, five years. I loved this post and commentary because new mommies are under so much pressure to breastfeed that sometimes they lose sight of what is really important--general health and well-being. (Yes, breastfeeding can be a very important part of that, but it's certainly not everything!)

So, enjoy! And when I'm feeling more spry and my kid isn't freaking out, I will be back with some witty and original thoughts. I hope.

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