Top 10 Reasons Tortoises are Totally Badass

I know. It’s been over a year since I’ve written in this blog. But I’ve been trying. I really have!

Last month when we all got the stomach flu I wrote an AWESOME blog post on the 10 Best Things About Getting the Stomach Flu. Because there are some fringe benefits. Things like dramatic, unplanned weight loss. Binge watching the Magic School Bus with the whole family. The thrill of throwing some kid jammies in the trash instead of washing them because they are so nasty. You know, stuff like that. Then my stupid computer shut down and deleted the entire post. And I went to go throw up.

So I’m trying to get back into the groove again. You know what I’m thinking about today? I’m thinking about our pet tortoises, and how fucking badass they are.

When our beloved dog Pagoda passed away, I was 100% against getting another pet. Nothing could ever replace Pagoda. And nothing ever will.

Then my husband got this stupid idea to get TORTOISES for the girls. One turtle for each kid. I told him this was completely retarded because a) they are reptiles b) you can’t snuggle them and c) they don’t do anything cool. Why would anyone want such a lame, fake pet?

Finally I changed my mind.  It had been a rough week and our little family felt like it was coming apart at the seams. We needed something to pull us together. We needed PETS!

Two hours later, Ian and the girls returned from Pet Kingdom with two male Herman’s Tortoises. Marley named hers Speedy. Holland named hers Michael Jackson. And our adventure in tortoise parenting began.

Top 10 Reasons Tortoises are Totally Badass

1.  They have awesome personalities. From day one, Speedy was curious, sweet and energetic. He came out of his shell right away, and always responds to your voice, and sometimes will come to you when you call him. Michael Jackson was a little more reclusive at first, then quickly established himself as the alpha tortoise. He’s boisterous and brave, and is always climbing over things and loves bursting through the obstacle course the girls make him with their magna-tiles.  He loves exploring the first floor of Holland’s Elsa castle. He also takes huge dumps.

Me and Michael Jackson 

2. They keep you on your toes. Tortoises are mischievious little fuckers. They are incredibly active; always on the move except when they are sleeping or taking a sunbath. They are always getting stuck in between the slider and the screen to the patio, or getting a nail caught in the front gate and you have to go rescue them.

3. They are faster than you think. Think it’s easy to keep track of a tortoise? Think again. Our cleaners left the patio open for less than a minute and both tortoises booked it out of there. We found Speedy five townhomes down almost to the street, and Michael Jackson had buried himself in the dirt by our front yard and was completely hidden.

4. They look super cute when they’re walking. Their little legs are adorable, and their shells are majestic. The camoflauge is legit! It’s really hard to keep track of them when we take them out front for free play in the grass. It messes with your head, but in a cool sort of way.

Speedy on the move

5. They are tough little fuckers. They have shells, see? Thank God. If they can survive my girls, they can survive anything.

6.  They live to be like 80 years old or something. Michael Jackson is five and Speedy is four. That means the turtles will outlive us! The girls will inherit them, and then maybe THEIR KIDS make tortoise obstacle courses with magna-tiles. Cool, huh?

7. They turn your house into an attraction. Neighbor kids come from far and wide to check out our tortoises. The girls love showing them off and take pride in their reptiles.

8. They are easy to take care of.  They live outside in our front patio, and we have a waterproof heating pad covered with grass. They sleep on this and stay nice and cozy. You don’t even need to give them water. Once a week, you get to “soak” the tortoises in a bath. We just fill the bathwater up to their chins and they drink the water. And...the big bonus...they eat the juicer pulp! How badass is that? Every morning the girls bring out the pulp from the carrots and kale and the tortoises feast. 

Girls feeding the tortoises carrots and kale. They will watch them for hours. The tortoises actually babysit my kids.

  9. They get you outside in the grass, and barefoot in the earth. We have been outside so much more since we got the tortoises, enjoying our front lawn area. Its really peaceful chillin’ with the tortoises, out in nature.

  10. Tortoises make for great bribes. Are the girls being bad listeners? They don’t get to take the turtles up to their room for story time. Did Holland eat someone else’s snack again in preschool? She doesn’t get to feed Michael Jackson some watermelon. 60% of the time, it works every time. 

As you can see from my comprehensive list, tortoises are indeed badass. I highly recommend tortoises to anyone looking to add a new critter to their family.