Thursday, January 10, 2013

I'm Going to be a Reality T.V. Star!

Just kidding. But I was asked to try out for not ONE--but TWO reality T.V. Shows! So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The first casting call is from a company in New York called Castle Pictures. According to the link they posted on my blog page, they are casting moms in a new reality cable show. "This ain't Real Housewives, this is more like Actual Housewives," reads the website. "As in women who live in the actual world, have actual Cheerios stamped into their rugs and wipe actual snot out of actual noses."

So far so good. We have a lot of "actual snot" in our house.

The site goes on to describe how they're looking for four mom-bloggers who will invite camera crews into their homes to capture the humor in their daily lives and to document their "real, unfettered mothering moments."

Then I'm asked to send in a 2-4 minute video that demonstrates both my "talent for monologue" and my "situational humor."

Wait...it gets better. The SECOND casting call was from a British outfit called KEO Films. They are looking for families who would take the "once of a lifetime opportunity" to spend a week living with the Amish--and being filmed for a reality show. Living with the Amish! Oh, the humanity.

Both these casting calls were posted either in the comments section of my blog or on my QuestionableParenting Facebook page, both of which have been hugely neglected for the last four months. So it was a kick in the pants to see them. But if there is one thing that would make really, really boring and ugly reality T.V., that is me being a mom. And so, for your reading pleasure...

Top 10 Reasons I Will Never Appear on a Reality T.V. Show
1. When I catch a glimpse of myself in my bathrobe, inch-thick glasses and a juice mustache--yelling at one of my kids or stubbing my toe on the highchair and cussing--I wonder how I manage to keep my husband from running away with a waitress. Frumpy moms do NOT make good T.V. Let's keep it pretty, folks.
2. I don't want NO ONE, not NO ONE witnessing my "real, unfettered mothering moments." No one wants to watch a baby sling a shit-filled diaper all over the living room or see me hang too many groceries over the back of my double Bob and flip it over with my kids inside. I'd like to maintain custody of my children, thank you very much.
3. I'm not exactly drowning in a "talent for monologue" or "situational humor." Sure, sometimes I write funny shit, but I'm not very funny in person, unless I'm really, really drunk. Which brings me to point #4.
4. No one needs to see me select and uncork my bottle of wine at 4:55pm so I can pour myself a nice glass at precisely 5pm without breaking stride.
5. The camera would rarely get a clear shot of my face, since it is always hovering over my iPad while I do some online shopping. In fact I'm pretty sure when my kids are asked to draw a "picture of mommy" in school there will be an iPad where my head should be. (Hello, Amish.)
6. Princess-speak runs rampant in our house and gets really old, really fast. Sure, it's cute the first time you overhear Strawberry Shortcake say to Princess Aurora, "I went to the grocery store and bought some cheese." "You did, Strawberry?" "I did, Aurora! I followed my heart!" But when your kid wants to play, "Pretend I touch the spindle, and I die" 50 times in one day or play "Under the Sea" on repeat, you kind of want to walk into a fast-moving truck.
7. No one needs to follow me to Zumba class where the average age is 50 years old and there are belly dancing belts are involved. NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS.
8. I spend a good part of my day unpacking my online purchases, then repacking them and emailing my husband the shipping labels so I can return them since we don't have a printer. That's just not good t.v.
9. On the rare occasion that my husband and I go out to dinner and I'm looking good, it's only a couple hours until my eyelids fall to half-mast from drunken fatigue and I appear to have some sort of speech disorder. Again, not good t.v.
10. I love going to Stroller Strides, but I don't think the general public needs to see moms breastfeed and do power lunges at the same time. (Actually, some perverts would probably be into it, but that's just messed up.)

Get it, people? No one will PROCREATE if we unveil the ugly truth about motherhood and being a stay-at-home mom. Writing about it is one thing but seeing it in all its glory is quite another. There is no more unglamorous job in the world. True, the benefits are out-of-this-world...the unconditional love, the perfect moments of sheer joy..but that mushy stuff won't translate.

If you see a frumpy mom on T.V. taking their kid to soccer practice, you're not going to say, "Wow, she's a great mom!" You're going to say, "Wow, she looks like shit." At least I would. So I will do the world a favor and keep my frumpy ass off television and in my living room, drinking wine and online shopping, where I belong.

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