Dear Mr. Robert Iger, Chairman and CEO of Walt Disney Company,
As a new annual pass holder, my family and I had the distinct pleasure of spending two full days at Disneyland California and California Adventure Park. The experience was both delightful and enchanting, and we certainly made memories we will cherish forever! That being said, after some careful thinking, I’ve come up with a few ideas to improve the Disney experience. Things I believe will make the happiest place on earth even MORE magical for the entire family. I hope you find them useful.
Top 12 Suggested Improvements to Disneyland
1. As soon as you walk in the gates, Goofy greets you with a happy pill. You’re not sure what’s in it, but it gets you high enough to survive the 40 minute wait at Peter Pan.
2. Put a live gorilla in Tarzan’s Treehouse. If your kid is being an asshole or you’re simply feeling negligent, you can leave your kid in the gorilla’s care. It will watch your kid and protect it while you visit other attractions, or if you just want to eat a Dole Pineapple Whip in peace.
3. Install Hydration Stations at key points around the park. They should be outfitted with IVs and also offer B-12 shots. It’s so easy to get dehydrated at Disneyland!
4. Parent Meltdown Help. If you cuss, snap at your spouse or threaten your children, a magic white train whisks you away to mitigate your parent meltdown. It will be silent and cool and air conditioned and soft.
5. A happy hour twerk-off at Aladdins Oasis featuring Jasmine and Ariel. You can reward your husband with this at the end of the day if he uses his kind words and exhibits patience and understanding.
6. A fake app on your phone that shows impossibly long wait times for less desirable rides. Sorry honey, Dumbo is running a 5 HOUR WAIT! We simply can’t go back there.
7. Disney drinking games. You get a free tequila shot anytime you get bumped by a double stroller, witness public breastfeeding or someone says “cast member.”
8. Anytime your kid has a tantrum, Donald Duck drops off a kid who’s being even a BIGGER asshole. This new kid is screaming AND hitting someone’s baby AND eating their boogers AND using inappropriate language. Your kid over there kicking his sister? What an angel.
9. Bippity Boppity Botox Boutique. Perfect for a quick refresher while Dad takes the kids on Casey Jr. They also offer brow shaping and blow outs.
10. Anytime your kid pees his pants, you get a free light up toy to wave around at the parade. Because let’s be real…that shit is cool and adults like it too.
11. Diet Management. Anytime you stop at a Churro counter, Kylo Ren jumps out of a bush and slaps you across the face. If you try to buy a pretzel or candy corn, it’s a direct hit to the kidneys.
12. Piglet is waiting for you at the entrance of Winnie the Pooh with a basket of magic mushrooms. Why? Why not? Winnie the Pooh is a funny ride.
As you can see, Mr. Iger, I’ve really thought this through. I’m certain that if you implement these improvements you will notice that adults and kids alike are having a more magical and enchanting visit. Thanks for your consideration.
Christine Van Tuyl
Here we are at Grizzly Peak at California Adventure. What would make this experience even better? If you said shots of whisky with bits of real grizzly in them, you’d be right!