13 Signs It's Time for Your Kids to go Back to School

It’s almost here. Can you make it? Just a few more days. A few more painful, excruciating, migraine-inducing days before school starts. Can you make it? You’re not sure.

You’re tapped out. The well has run dry. The dead horse has been beaten. The source of this despair? This chaos, this destruction, this heart-wrenching suffering? Your beloved offspring. The ones you can’t wait to kiss goodbye, never to see again. Well, at least for seven hours.

Is it time for school to start? If you’re a complete sadist and you’re not sure, here’s a handy checklist. For the rest of us...well, this will just confirm our suspicions.

    1.    You plan your day around wine. You actually try to get yourself stuck out of the house, in parts of town where you will be forced to eat out for lunch, which means you can order wine. “Kids, there is NO WAY we can make it home for lunch after Nordstrom Rack, and still make it to music class on time, so we MUST eat out, or we will surely starve. (Sigh.) Oh look, there is a (enter favorite chain restaurant that serves alcohol). I guess we’ll have to eat there!”

     2. Wine doesn’t cut it anymore, and you’ve moved onto vodka. This happens! Last week I had lunch with two girlfriends and they BOTH ordered vodka tonics, and confided that it was too late in the summer to drink wine and get a proper buzz. And these girls are winos like me. Also, I guess vodka has less calories. Should I give vodka a try? I do have a few days left…

     3.  You are in the worst shape you’ve been in ALL YEAR. How are you supposed to run, and go to yoga and Pilates with these KIDS attached to you all day? How does that work? How do moms stay in shape over the summer without starving themselves?  Oh that’s right, they starve themselves. Except for my friend Kelly. (See exhibit A below.) Here, Kelly sports shockingly flat abs after birthing three children and orders a burger at Islands and eats it. With the bun. You go, Kelly!

Exhibit A. Kelly Snodgrass looking amazing!

     4.  Every single thing your kids say irritates you. Every. Single. Thing. Even an innocent “Mom, may I please have a healthy fruit snack and a refreshing glass of water?” can elicit an angry “What’s with your attitude? Go to your room!” Don’t even try, “Mom, can I put my old clothes in a bag for homeless people?” NO, YOU DIDN’T! THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS.

     5.  You fantasize about hiring a nanny and going back to work. To work! You could get dressed in real clothes. You could stop at Starbucks. What job could you get? You have skills, right? Of course you do! Amazon Prime skills….Facebook skills…Nun chuck skills….

     6. You are parenting poorly. Duh. This one is obvious. You’ve straight up stopped disciplining your kids because a) It doesn’t work and b) you have no energy. When you DO discipline (take away an iPad, or dessert) you forget ten minutes later when you are throwing electronics at them and shoving cookies down their throats so you can get five. Minutes. Of. Peace.

     7.  You are wife-ing poorly.  When your husband gets home from work, he takes one look at your face and immediately goes into the other room. Your entire being radiates despair and doom, and your eyes are two vapid pools of helplessness and fatigue, mixed with a healthy dose of ANGER AND ACCUSATION because HE GAVE YOU THESE CHILDREN. That’s right, you better run!

     8.  You fantasize about what it would be like if you didn’t have kids. Like, what if you decided not to have kids, or couldn’t get pregnant? Would you eventually recover and move on with your life? Hell yes, you would! You and your husband would be in the South of France right now, drinking rose on a beautiful yacht. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHO DON’T HAVE CHILDREN! I’ve seen it on Facebook! You would both look super hot and ten years younger because you didn’t have KIDS. (In real life, your not-even-40-yet husband is sporting a GREY BEARD. A GREY BEARD. People ask him if it’s because of his stressful job, and he laughs but you know better. THE KIDS DID THIS TO HIM.

Your Life Without Kids

     9.  You get stupid ideas like taking your 6-year-old off her ADHD medicine to “give her a break” because it’s summer, or take away everyone’s electronics for a few days to clear everyone’s mind. WHAT STUPID FUCKING IDEAS. Why don’t you just stab yourself through the heart with a corkscrew. That would feel better, I fucking promise.

    10. Your self-care has gone out the window.  Your legs are hairy. Your roots are grey. You haven’t meditated in weeks. I won’t even go into your bikini line (unless you have experienced the glories of laser hair removal. Thanks, LaserAway!) Your nail polish is so chipped it’s almost completely gone. You probably have three new cavities due to a summer of poor flossing.

    11.  Your toilets get clogged on a daily basis. Apparently your plumbing can’t handle around-the-clock use by a six-year-old and a nine-year-old because they get plugged up every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY.

    12.  Everything makes you cry. The theme song to Moana. When the Grandma dies in Trolls. When you run out of hand sanitizer. When you can’t find a ripe avocado.

    13.  Your kids are fighting to the death. Their hair pulling, face scratching, biting, hitting and sucker-punching would put the worst barbarian to shame. You think of showing your kids Gladiator to put things in perspective, and you cheer up for a moment because—Russell Crowe-- then you realize that's the happiest you’ve felt all week and you start crying again.

No caption needed.

 If you answer YES to any of the above, guess what? It’s time for your kids to go back to school!!!