Why My Kindergartner Will Save Us from the Zombie Apocalypse

Some days are just hard. Sometimes, when my daughter is having her tenth tantrum of the day and I am at my breaking point, I wonder why God gave me such a challenging child. 

To be fair, it’s not all her fault. My sweet, smart, funny and fierce daughter has ADHD and ODD in addition to a speech delay and other random kinks. 

But when it’s 2pm and I’m already pining for a glass of wine just to buffer me from the chaos that is my life right now, I can’t help but wonder: Why me?

Then I realize…the answer is clear. Some other parents would give up on their kid. Not everyone would shuttle the child around to speech two days a week, swimming because she is a born mermaid and the water is her home, gymnastics because she loves movement, a private school because she needs a nurturing environment, and horseback riding because it calms her. God may have given me this child because I might be the only mother who would do all these things.  And, let’s face it… God may have given me this child because I am the only mother who wouldn’t kill it! And it’s clear that she NEEDS to survive, because the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IS COMING, AND MY DAUGHTER WILL SAVE US ALL.

Here’s How My Kindergartener Will Save Us from the Zombie Apocalypse.

1.She has extremely large, razor-sharp teeth that can slice through just about anything, and she isn’t afraid to use them. (Just ask her sister.) Seriously though, after knocking out her two front teeth on two separate occasions and existing as a toothless wonder for many years, her two front teeth have finally come in and they are FORMIDABLE. They are as big as Chiclets and sharp as daggers. They even protrude a bit from an ominous thumb-sucking habit. Zombies wouldn’t stand a chance.

2. She is restless and always-on-the-move. The zombies could never keep track of her. You think she’s in Spanish at kindergarten? Nope, she’s hiding in the bathroom, pretending to poop. You think she’s sleeping? She’s downstairs making a parfait. You think she’s taking a relaxing bath? She’s flooding the bathroom in a “wave pool” full of anti-lice shampoo. You think she's safely buckled in the back seat? She's in the back of the S.U.V. digging through groceries. I’m her fucking mother and I can’t even keep track of her!

3. Her blood-curdling scream is a battle cry that can be heard from miles away, and send even the undead running for the hills. She will call out other Zombie fighters from (I don’t know, aren’t there others out there? Help me out, Moms) and launch a Braveheart-style attack, complete with sharpie-face paint, sequin snowboots and a fur vest.  Her flair for drama will confuse and distract the zombies, enabling the fainter-of-heart to escape, and other zombie fighters to approach from behind.

4. Nothing scares her. Nothing.  Things that send her big sister diving under the covers barely elicit a response. “Michael Jackson’s jacket is really cool. Can I get a red leather jacket like that? And a zombie mask too, please. Is that brown blood coming from the zombie’s mouth? CAN I EAT A BUNCH OF CHOCOLATE AND LOOK LIKE THAT?”

5. She’s tough as nails with a pain tolerance that could rival a prize-winning fighter. Did she crack her head open and go to E.R. a bloody mess for seven staples in her head? Hell yes she did. No big deal. Home girl got her head STAPLED with just a TOPICAL and didn’t even cry until her Daddy passed out cold on the hospital floor. “What’s wrong with Daddy?” Chi-chi (staple) chi-chi (staple).

6. She isn’t afraid to engage in rogue and subversive tactics to distract and deter zombies.  The Truffle Shuffle, a Moana reenactment and deadly ball-pit dive are just a few items in her bag of tricks.

7. She’s eerily tenacious. Talk about having her eyes on the prize. She gets knocked down, and she gets back up again. You’re never going to keep her down. Is there something she wants? She never, ever, ever, ever gives up. Ever, ever, ever, ever…

8. She will fight to the death for the ones she loves. And her love is fierce. If you cross someone she cares about, she will take you down. 

Well, my love is fierce too. (So I guess God got it right.)

And after she’s saved us all from the Zombie Apocalypse and I finally get her through school, she will find her ultimate calling. I have no doubt she will move mountains. But for now, I’ll take that glass of wine…