Really Bad Parenting...Caught on Camera!

The other day I decided to do a Google image search of "questionable parenting" to see what popped up. Man, was it funny...and disturbing! Here are some of my favs.

This is just wrong. It's like the Bjorn and the Snuggie got drunk one night, and this is their lovechild.

What do I even say about this? It looks like Daddy drank a six-pack of Old Milwaukee, crashed the Gator into the toolshed and found the duct tape. Something tells me this house has a "mud room."

At a loss for words.

This has to be my favorite. Look at that sincere high-five on the left! Is that Grandma in the background with her hands on her hips? The baby is clearly intrigued. Nice wood paneling on the walls!

Hmmmm.....

I'm pretty sure this is not our country.

Genius! A wonderful form of child labor.

Anyone seen any real-life examples of bad parenting? Please share, so we can all pass judgement!

My Gilty Pleasure

It's true. I am addicted to online shopping. Gilt.com, to be exact.

You see, under normal circumstances, the only stores Marley will tolerate for more than 20 minutes are TJ Max and Target. Don't get me wrong, I love TJ Max and Target. They are fine, fine establishments, ripe with juicy shopping opportunities. There, screaming babies and toddler tantrums are a dime a dozen. No one even throws you a second look if you're on the other end of a meltdown.

Even so, trying on clothes is a race against time, like running a sweaty marathon. I'm ripping things on and off again at lightning speed, so fast that I once got a security tag tangled in my hair. I almost dislocated my shoulder trying to get out of a turtleneck. I emerge from the dressing room hot and flushed, slightly crazed, eye makeup smudged, my hair jacked up and Marley jumping up and down in the shopping cart, waving her arms around, trying to make a break for it like a caged monkey. It's not pretty.

Enter Gilt.com. I understand why they call it that, because now I have bonafide, therapy-inducing SHOPPING ADDICTION. Every day at 9:00am, Gilt starts its online sale, tempting you with a range of choice items from Marc Jacobs dresses for $79 (hello?) and designer purses for under $100. (Come to mamma!) Now, I'm flushed and sweaty, dialated pupils, spastically hoarding items in my cart as fast as my fingers can point and click.

It seems to take forever for the stuff to arrive, so I get a good week or more of titillating anticipation. When it arrives, I stack it neatly on my counter until NAPTIME, the holy grail of motherhood. Then, I get to slowly take my time trying on all my beautiful items, languishing in the sheer wonder of it all. And if it doesn't fit? Or the cut is unflattering? FREE SHIPPING ON RETURNS, baby. You just put that sucker right back in the box and drop it off at the nearest UPS!

Mind you, when you return the items, you don't get your money back. You get a store credit. Now, you've got this great store credit, and you have to use it! Better get back on Gilt the next morning, because now its like you're shopping for free! (And the cycle continues.)

Now that I've shared my mommy guilty pleasure, do any of you have any spastic online shopping addictions? Come on girls, I know you have them!

Number Two

That's right, I am taking pregnancy tests. The time has come. We are trying for number two.

I'd really like to have another baby. I think other people think I really want to have another baby, too. I took Marley over to our neighbor's house the other day, to play with three kids--all siblings. Grace, age 8; Cameron, age 4; and Aja, age 1.

Aja is really little, and sorta looks like a sweet little baby. I pick her up, carrying her around the yard, and little Cameron runs up to me, very serious. "Please don't take our baby," he whispers, tugging at my jeans. "Are you going to take our baby?" Must have been something in my eyes.

Not that there's anything wrong with being an only child. I'm an only child, and look how great I turned out! And some of my very favorite people in the world are only children...Julia, Brie, and Claudia.

And if we only have 1 kid, then we won't have to move. We can continue renting our awesome two bedroom condo in Coronado. And if we are eventually able to buy something on the island, a two-bedroom would be way more affordable than a three bedroom.

Also, if we have just Marley, we can start doing a lot more traveling soon. There are sooo many places I'd like to go....Italy, South of France, Costa Rica, Bali...the list goes on and on.

And, if we only have one, my life starts getting a little more interesting! I can work a little more, maybe make some money, embark on some new adventures. Oh yeah, and not to mention, not having to work my butt off to get back in shape again.

Also, let's face it, trying to procreate is EXHAUSTING! I refuse to get to crazy with "timing it out" because Marley came so naturally, I think if it's "meant to be," my second child will be just as easy. But doing it every other night is out of control! Every other night, people. I'm TIRED!

And then, it's like, hello! Things JUST started getting so much easier with Marley. Then what, I'm going to mess it all up and have another kid?

And then, there's this: Everytime I take a pregnancy test and it comes out negative, I breathe a genuine sigh of relief and smile, and pour a nice glass of wine. All logical signs point to the fact that I am not ready to have another child.

But....then....the other night, while at my friend Charity's house, I got to hold baby Sunny, who is about 6 months old. I didn't want to put her down. Ever.

I want another baby. Funny how the desire to have children doesn't necessarily conform to the standards of logic in any way, shape or form. I suppose it makes sense... the most important decisions you make in life usually come from the heart, not the head. Just like love, I guess?

Anyone else thinking of having another kid, but still sorta on the fence? What made you decide one way or another?

Pour Me Something Tall and Strong

I've been noticing a curious new trend. Marley is singing...all of the time! But not the songs that I expected.

When I imagined my little girl singing her first songs, I anticipated the Itsy Bitsy Spider, Rockabye Baby and some Elmo. While Marley does enjoy belting out an occasional "Twinkle, Twinkle," most of the time her musical repertoire consists of something a little more...adult.

Exhibit 1: Her love for the Lady. (Gaga, that is.) Marley can sing the chorus to Poker Face, LoveGame and a little Bad Romance too. All is fine and dandy until she starts singing lines like, "Lovin with my muffin" and talks about wanting to "take a ride on your disco stick."

Exhibit 2: Black Eyed Peas...baby style. Marley loves "Imma Be" and requests it as a bedtime song every night. Which, again, is sort of funny until she tries to sing parts like, "Imma be shakin my hips. You're gonna be lickin your lips." Really?

Exhibit 3: Mumford and Sons, "Little Lion Man." This would be OK, but the one verse she seems to know is, "It was not your fault but mine. It was your heart on the line. I really f-cked it up this time, didn't I my dear..."

Clearly I need to watch what we are playing in the car. That, or start purchasing the edited versions from Itunes. But even the EDITED versions of most songs on the radio are pretty skanky!

Even so, Marley's singing skills are dwarfed by her good friend Bella. Bella, who is 2 and a half, has cornered the market on adult songs. For example, Bella can sing "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere." You haven't seen funny until you see a sweet little girl with pig tails and bangs, singing, "Pour me something tall and strong. Make it a hurricane before I go insane."

But it gets better. According to AnnMarie, Bella's mom, Bella has a new fav--"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum. She sings the lines "It's a quarter after one and I'm a little drunk and I need you now..."

And, last but not least, she can sing "California Girls" by Katy Perry. "California girls are unforgettable...daisy dukes bikinis on top."

Does your kid sing a wildly inappropriate--yet hilarious--adult song? What do they sing?

Pirouettes and Pull-Ups

Marley started her first ballet class. Seeing her hop around in a pink tutu, smiling her head off, makes my heart swell with pride like nothing I have ever felt before. I think she is the most amazing little dancer I've ever seen, with such an intense flurry of promise!

I stand on the sidelines, watching her spin around, with visions of top-notch dance performances in my head. I see her dancing the role of Clara in the Nutcracker, and getting invited by prestigious dance schools to attend their summer workshops. I see point shoes and pirouettes. I see Mikhail Baryshnikov tossing her into the air. (Is he still alive? Oh yeah, he guest-starred on Sex & the City.)

OK, reality check: she's TWO. It's not ballet, it's dance FUNdamentals. It's not Baryshnikov, it's Barney. They aren't spinning around to Swan Lake, they're jumping around to "Five Little Monkeys" with beanbags on their heads, making time for an occasional nose-pick. They don't know a demi-plie from Dora, a pas de deux from a number two.

Why then, all these intense delusions of grandeur for my little girl? I tell myself, I won't let her quit ballet like my parents did (spineless slackers!) and she will escalate into stardom! And I will be by her side, every step of the way, the dreamy stage-mom, who still looks like she is in her 20s!

Why am I so bananas over Marley starting ballet? Why does seeing her in a tutu give me such a thrill? Do you have a slightly crazy dream for your kid? Or am I just nutso?

Baby vs. the Bank-Owned Foreclosure

“You’re a real estate agent?” asked Other Mom, while pushing her baby in Stroller Strides a few mornings ago. “How do you do that...and…well, you know…” she nodded towards Marley who was rolling along in the stroller in front of me. Marley was busy plucking goldfish out of her snack pack one-at-a-time, launching them into the air, then punctuating every throw with a surprised-sounding “uh oh!”

How did I do it? How do I do it? The answer is, I’m still not sure.

I guess it helps that I work with my mom. We divide up our work so I do all of our marketing—the email newsletters, the internet marketing, database search updates, etc. I also work in the office one afternoon a week while mom watches Marley. Mom, on the other hand, does most of the open houses, property showings and negotiations…the bulk (and the most stressful) part of the job. In turn I get a percentage of every sale we make, ranging from 30-40%, depending on who brought in the lead.

That’s unless the client is a friend of mine. In that case, I do all of it myself. After all, it’s not really fair to pawn my friends off to my mom, is it? And besides, my friends know I have a kid, so they usually aren’t annoyed (at least visibly) when I have to take Marley to showings and inspections.

But things have gotten…well, complicated. And I had to learn the hard way to be careful about which clients I could work with.

Take my client Bob. Dear Bob was looking for a single family detached home under $300,000. In San Diego, that means you’re buying a bank-owned foreclosure in the bowels of southeast San Diego. Which means that I spent a good amount of time showing some pretty crappy houses in pretty crappy neighborhoods where no one speaks English. And if they do, they’re drunk, high, or missing a limb. Sometimes, all three!

I knew I had to rethink things when Mom couldn’t watch Marley one afternoon, and I had to meet Bob at a little gem of a house in a very special neighborhood, made special in its distinction of having the lowest-rated schools in San Diego. Marley sat quietly in her baby seat, smiling obliviously while I silently cursed myself for taking on this client and outwardly cursed when I saw the house was located just a block away from a halfway home.

But, I was a working mom, so I pulled over, strapped Marley in her Bjorn and grabbed my lockbox key. When I got to the front of the house, I saw a bum sitting on the doorstep. He was missing an arm, but he seemed to be doing just fine with one. He sat there, smoking a joint and holding a Millwaukee's Best. I turned around and went home.

Things got even more better when my friends Jesi and Brian bought a bank-owned foreclosure out by San Diego State. It was a gnarly transaction and when we closed, I couldn’t wait to greet them at the house and hand over the keys. I pulled up into the driveway with a bottle of champagne in hand, delighted to welcome them to their cozy new home. When I opened up the house and turned on the lights, I had a nice surprise….someone else thought the home was pretty cozy too. I found a bum in the kitchen, cooking himself a frozen pizza for dinner.

Good times!

PMSBuddy.com: Saving Relationships One Month at a Time!

Yes, you read that correctly. There is a website called "PMSBuddy.com."

What is PMSBuddy.com, you ask?

Why, it's a free, online PMS-reminder designed for men, that, according to the website, is "created with a single goal in mind: to keep you aware of when your wife, girlfriend, mother, sister, daughter, or any other women in your life are closing in on 'that time of the month' - when things can get intense for what may seem to be no reason at all."

And, it's as easy as one-two-three! Guys, simply sign up for a free account, choose the women that you want to track, and start getting email notifications when that dreaded time approaches. You can send notifications to yourself for up to 5 women. (Hmm...up to 5?) Women can set their boyfriends or husbands up on it...you know, to give them the heads up.

Even better...PMSBuddy.com offers FREE ADVICE for fighting PMS! From ground-breaking ideas like ordering flowers ("kryptonite to PMS"), to just throwing in the towl and shopping for a new girl on Match.com, there is a solution for all forms of PMS. There's even a link called "How to Pick Women up on Public Transporation: A true player can pick women up anywhere - including on the subway. We have the tips you need to seal the deal."

Their slogan? Saving relationships one month at a time! Natch.