Sunday, April 10, 2011

Getting Your Ass Kicked by a Two-Year-Old

It's true. Today, I got my ass kicked by a two-year old. She's only about 38 inches tall and 32 pounds, but her small stature and sweet smile belie a formidable opponent. It was a battle of the wills, and I lost.

She dumped a bag full of cranberries into the fireplace. She threw her glockenspiel across the room. She refused to eat. She decided to mix four tubs of play-doh with a pitcher of water to see "what happens."

To be fair, she's been sick for a few days, and is just getting over a nasty cough. We haven't been sticking to our schedule and doing our usual, fun activities. So, she's in the weird purgatory of being "on the mend" but not 100% better, yet with tons of energy to burn. VERY, VERY SCARY.

And I've had a busy weekend. Two beautiful, back-to-back weddings and two late nights, mixed with high heels and very pregnant belly...well, needless to say, I'm exhausted.

The two-year-old that kicked my ass (let's just call her Marley) decided to continue the brutal, savage beating all day long, in front of multiple family members. So not only do I have the comfort of knowing that my own offspring can kick my ass, but I have to endure the humiliation of knowing that now EVERYONE KNOWS that she can kick my ass.

And what kind of mom allows a two-year-old to kick her ass? So of course I'm questioning I being too easy on her? Too accommodating? Do I need to be stricter, more of a disciplinarian? Thing is, most of the time, Marley is really good, so I rarely have to exercise a lot of discipline. But when she's bad....LOOK OUT! And since I get so little practice, I feel completely unprepared to deal with the crazed, deranged little devil that has taken over the body of my first-born.

Then my mother-in-law told me a story about my husband's sister, Shelly, that made me feel MUCH better. When Shelly was three years old, she got angry with her mommy. So what did she do? She went into the bathroom, pooped, smeared it all over the the heater, turned it on, and locked the door. (Sorry Shelly.)

Needless to say, I feel much better! Sure, cranberries and wet play-doh make a sticky mess, but nothing like hot, stinky poop. Thanks Shelly, for smearing your poop over the heater. I owe you one!


  1. I can't blame you for letting a 2-year-old kick your ass. They may tire you out, but kids are adorable. My husband and I will probably have a baby in a couple of years, but I must admit I'm scared, especially because I know I'll let my kid kick my ass. And I'll probably kiss her/him after!

  2. So true!!! At least you know that going in. There's a reason God made little kids so darn cute. It allows us to endure the relentless beatings! Thanks for the comment :)