Top 10 Signs You're a Crappy Mom

"You're such a great mom."

Ahhh....music to my ears! Nothing sounds sweeter. Those words make me glow. They make me feel like I've won an Oscar. Like I've scaled Mt. Everest. Like I've written a Pulitzer-prize winning novel. Like I've...well...you get the picture! To all the moms out there, I ask you... Is there a greater compliment in the world?

But some days I feel like I'm not a great mom. Like I'm not even a GOOD mom. Sometimes I feel like a downright crappy mom. Some days, the stars are not aligned. I'm not the happy, earthy mom with a perfect side-swept bangs peacefully breastfeeding her baby in public. I'm the ANGRY MOM with messy hair guzzling a latte and yelling at her kids in Target. I'm the impatient mom honking at the intersection because the old person in front of me can't find the accelerator fast enough. (I'm probably headed to Target where I'll  guzzle a latte and yell at my kids.)  I'm the mom who can't wait to put her kids to bed and pour a tall glass of wine. (I'm probably bitter because I have messy hair and have spent my day at Target yelling at my kids and honking at other drivers on the road.)

So yes, I've been feeling like a crappy mom lately. Since it's been bothering me, you know I have to write about it. Here are the Top 10 things that make me feel like I'm a crappy mom.Can you relate?

Top 10 Ten Signs I'm a Crappy Mom


1. I give my baby formula.  Everyone knows that breast milk is the best food for your baby. Yes, I managed to successfully breastfeed Marley for nine months with minimal formula supplements. The first month every time I nursed it hurt so badly I'd start crying. (And if you tell me, "If you're doing it right, it shouldn't hurt" I will smash my breast pump over your head. I was doing it right and it hurt.) Holland was another story. She was over 9.1 pounds and had low blood sugar so they gave her formula in the delivery room. Holland preferred the bottle, and I preferred to avoid excruciating pain, so I pumped five times a day, nursed once or twice a day and supplemented with formula. Needless to say, six months later she has opted out of breastfeeding and now enjoys a nice warm bottle of Enfamil. On one hand, I'm delighted to give away my breast pump, but sad that I was not able to nurse her longer. Did I screw up? Did I pump too much? Will she grow up at a disadvantage, more prone to infections and a host of other ailments because I didn't nurse her longer? The thoughts tug at the dark corners of my mind...
2. I don't use cloth diapers. Yup. I use landfill diapers. The kind of diapers that pollute our earth, thus making it less inhabitable for our kids and their grandchildren. There's nothing really I can say about this.
3. I don't make all my own baby food. With Marley, I made most of her own baby food. I made baby apple butternut squash, I made baby carrots, I made baby green beans. Look out, Martha Stewart! With Holland...well, I've busted out the baby food maker once. The rest of the time she gets Earth's Best. It's organic, right? So is it really worse for my baby then the mushy squash I made her? Last time it was so runny that she pooped twice in her bumbo seat during one feeding!
4. I let my baby cry it out. I'm not going to pretend to feel bad about this. I let Holland cry it out because there is absolutely no reason a 18 pound, 6 month old baby needs to eat at 4am. Sorry, kitchen's closed!
5. I don't "wear" my baby." I tried to shove Holland in the Ergo. I really did. Every time I stuck her in there, she screamed bloody murder until she fell asleep. Then she woke up screaming.  I DO however manage to cram her into the Bjorn facing front for a good 30 minutes at a time. Great success!
6. I give my baby a pacifier.  Marley took the binky. It was awesome! Holland...not so much. I do, however, sneak the paci in her mouth from time to time to see if she's ready for it. Fingers crossed!
7. I let my kids watch T.V. I celebrated the day Marley was old enough to watch Baby Einstein in the Zanzibar bouncer. Imagine, eating a meal in its entirety! Now she watches Disney cartoons in the morning, Yo Gabba Gabba before "quiet time" and enjoys the occasional Tim Burton DVD. Her favorites? Corpse Bride, Edward Scissorhands and Nightmare Before Christmas. A little dark, of course, but not so bad compared to Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and some other creepy classics. Holland is just getting started on Yo Gabba Gabba.
8. I bribe my kids. Marley got an elbow to the head during soccer a couple of weeks ago, and decided she wasn't going to play anymore. I tried to get her to play again, but nothing worked. Finally, I told her if she went to soccer and "tried her best," she'd get to eat ice cream and watch a DVD. Now, every time she finishes soccer, she says, "Coach Shiloh! I get ice cream and a DVD!" So much for playing for the love of the game!
9. I got an epidural. Twice. And loved every minute of it.
10. I don't clean my own house. Yes, I'm a stay-at-home mom and I have a house cleaner. I know this doesn't really have a lot to do with parenting, but it bothers me. I don't really work anymore, so shouldn't I be able to clean my house properly? Alas, Marta does a MUCH better job than I could ever do, and she needs the work, so it's a win-win, right? My lack of skills is helping the economy and helping me achieve a clean home.

Anyway. This is what's on my mind lately.

Is there anything that's making you feel like a crappy mom?

Testing Your Breastmilk for Alcohol: A Step-by-Step Guide!

I must say, I'm loving my Milkscreen Home Test for Alcohol in Breastmilk strips. For raging winos casual drinkers like me, they are just the ticket. Although I don't drink often, I do enjoy the occasional bottle glass of wine, and it's great to know if my milk is safe for Baby Holland to drink. If I'm ever unsure, I simply test my milk with these bad boys, and SHAZAM! They'll tell you if your milk is safe, or if it's time to pump and dump. All you have to do is put a little breast milk on the strip, and if it changes or darkens in color...your milk is tainted with alcohol. If the strip stays the same, you're in the clear!  Weeee!

For your reading pleasure, I conducted several tests. Here are the results!


Specimen 1. FAIL!

Date: October 25, 2011.
Time of Milk Testing: 7:35pm.
Location of Drinking: Coronado Brewing Company. Kids Night. Ha!
Drinks consumed: 16 oz of Orange Avenue Beer. (Equals roughly 2 beers, but I was cool and drank out of a large mug.)
Food consumed: 4 buffalo chicken tenders and 1/2 a side salad.
Summary: I was pretty buzzed by the end of dinner, so I'm not surprised that my milk failed this test. I was disappointed because I was able to pump 6 ounces of milk when I got home from dinner, and was hoping it would squeak by. My buffalo chicken tenders were delicious though, and the dinner was quite enjoyable. I find it ironic that I was able to garner a big enough buzz to fail the milk test on Kid's Night. No place is safe!

Specimen #2: PASS!

Date: November 6, 2011
Time of Milk Testing: 6:45am
Location of Drinking: Night before...Ortegas Mexican Bistro for dinner, Candelas in Coroando for wine, Peohes in Coronado for more wine, and Il Fornaio for...yep...more wine.
Food Consumed: Fresh lobster, served up Baja style! Delish!
Drinks Consumed: 2 glasses of Sangria at dinner, and 4-5 additional glasses of wine (I lost count).
Summary: It was date night, and we went big. Incredibly enough, I was NOT hungover the next morning, which I could not believe. Either I am a total alcoholic or I went to bed early enough to avoid a hangover. Uh...yeah. Anywho, have you seen the episode of Kourtney and Khloe where Kourtney gets super wasted one night, and her milk STILL tests positive for alcohol the next morning? Well, to be safe, I decided to test my milk also. Amazingly enough, it passed!  Whoohoo!

Specimen #3: FAIL.
Date: November 8, 2011.
Time of Milk Testing: 8:21pm.
Location of Drinking: Casa de Van Tuyl (our lovely home)
Food consumed: Pasta and salad.
Drinks consumed: 1.5 glasses of red wine.
Summary: I was hoping that my hearty artichoke pasta would soak up more of the wine. Alas, it did not. Although I can't say I felt buzzed by the end of the meal, I was feeling spry and spunky. I only pumped a measly 3 ounces of milk, so no great loss. WHATEV.

Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed this experiment. Happy testing!

Anyone else tried these strips? What do you think?

Top 6 Lessons Learned from This Halloween

This is my first Halloween with two kids. Most of it was awesome! Some of it sucked. Fun was had. Mistakes were made. Here are some of the lessons I learned this year that I SHAN'T repeat next year.

1. Learn the difference between a good costume and a bad costume. Good costumes are cute and require little or no adjusting throughout the Halloween outing. Bad costumes are DECIEVINGLY cute, yet have many, many parts that require constant fixing and tweaking throughout the evening.

Poor Costume Choice

Exhibit A. Marley's pirate girl costume. Cute, yes. Practical? No. Notice all the parts. Belt. Boot covers. Hat. Bandana. All it takes is one trip to the bounce house at the Halloween carnival to jack this costume UP. At one point I found her belt hanging from a tree.

2. Some costumes are mild forms of child abuse. No, I wasn't out to abuse Baby Holland when I ordered this adorable peacock costume.

Child Abuse

See how cute she looks laying there? Yeah. Now try to put this baby into a car seat or the Bjorn. And did I mention the A/C in my car doesn't work? Result: One pissed-off peacock.

3. Think your three-year-old doesn't know how to unwrap candy? Think again. That "quiet" toddler in the back seat is ripping through dozens of bite-sized snickers and smearing chocolate all over the window. She'll also probably wake you up twice in the middle of the night to poop. Awesome.
4. Eliminate questionable Halloween props. The harmless little pirate sword I bought Marley? Not so harmless when she runs through the house threatening house plants, Pekingese and princess figurines, "I'm going to poke you in the EYEBALLS!"

Questionable Accessory

5. Don't overdo it.  It's cool to try to hit up all the fun parties and Halloween happenings...but try not to go overboard. If you're on your way to the third dress-up party of the morning and your costumed-kid is screaming in the carseat, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!" then it's a sign you've gone too far.

6. Strollers and Haunted houses don't mix. No matter how "not scary" a haunted house is...it's still a HAUNTED HOUSE, people. It will probably still scare the crap out of your kids. And wheeling your stroller through cobwebs is a bad, bad idea.

Thanks for reading! Anyone else have any great Halloween tips I missed? If so, please share!

Top 11 Makeup Tips for the Tired Mom: Look More Awake and Refreshed!

Dammit.

Baby Holland still wakes up once or twice a night to eat. Marley—who’s had a spotless sleeping record for about three years—has decided to follow in her little sister’s footsteps, and wake up twice a night also. Awesome.

Some nights I go from Marley’s room to Holland’s room and back again. WTF. I wake up each morning feeling tired and pissed off. Worst of all…I LOOK tired and pissed off! NOT okay.

I decided to scour the internet to see what kinds of tricks the beauty experts had for me to help me look more rested, dewy, and beautiful. Here’s what I found.

Top 11 Makeup Tips for the Tired Mom to Look More Awake and Refreshed

1. Start your day with a big glass of water. Beauty experts say, "The best way to wake up skin is to hydrate, both inside and out." Okay, I can do this. No matter how exhausted I am, I can manage to pour myself an eff-ing glass of water.

2. Skip foundation. Opt for tinted moisturizer instead. "Tired skin tends to be rough and uneven, and foundation looks best on a smooth surface. Instead, go for a lightweight tinted moisturizer; it'll glide on and help tone down skin's natural redness. Tip: Make your own tinted moisturizer by mixing a few drops of your foundation with your moisturizer." Mission accomplished! Thanks to tips from a reader via Becca of Blissful Nest, I have purchased and now LOVE Stila's tinted moisturizer.

3. Cover that shit up. Experts swear by YSL’s Touche Eclat for an instant pick me up. Hoorah! I actually own this one and loooove it. It hides my mega dark circles and skin coloration under my eyes.

4. Curl your lashes. Curling the lashes instantly opens the eyes and makes them appear larger. According to one beauty expert, “the best eyelash curler on the market is Shu Uemera. It’s a little more expensive than the drugstore eyelash curlers, but so worth every penny! The wider curler fits the eye shape better and gently curves the lashes and doesn’t bend them in half.” Sold. I’m looking it up on Sephora right now...darn it...they say it's no longer available in the U.S., but they have the next best thing.

5. Mascara is another way to appear more awake. "After curling your lashes, apply two coats of navy mascara to make the whites appear brighter and more awake." OK. I will replace my black with navy. Done!

6. Eyeliners should also be deep navy or blue to make the whites look their whitest. "You want to avoid any purples, khakis or brown eyeliners on a sleepless night. Those colors will only accentuate under eye circles." Experts recommend MAC's Navy stain Powerpoint liner. "The color is not too bright but also has a hint of metallic that will also make your eyes sparkle in the early morning. The formula is long lasting, and waterproof but glides on effortlessly." Hmmmm.


7. Brows. "Do your best to keep up with maintenance of your eyebrow shape and skin condition. Yes, right, if you don't have enough time to sleep, how will you squeeze in a tweeze? But beauty experts say the eyebrow more than any other single feature will change the whole look of your face." Agreed. I visit my brow-master Janie at Sanctuary Salon in Coronado 1x a month to wax my brows.

8. Blush or bronzer is another way to appear more awake! Sometimes, sleepless nights require a little more blush to make you look refreshed and alive! I tried Stila cream blush and love it!

9. Lip color is a must! This will always make you look your very best in the early morning. Good to know. I often skip it.

10. Invest in a good eye cream. A good friend recommended Trish McEvoy eye serusm and says it works wonders. Haven’t tried it yet, but she looks great so I give it the thumbs up!

11. Wear Bright Colors. "Reach for bright colored clothes in the morning…they instantly perk up your skin. Avoid greys, black, kahkis, beiges and browns…they will make your skin appear lackluster and dull." This is an easy one but I wouldn’t have thought of it on my own.

Weee! I'm hoping these makeup trips help me look more awake and refreshed.

Here's a picture of me after trying out these tips, on my way to Stroller Strides. What do you think?

Anything I missed? If so, please share. For the LOVE OF GOD, DON'T HOLD OUT ON ME!!!

Note: As of two weeks ago, Baby Holland has begun sleeping through the night. HOOORAY!!! But it still took me two weeks to get this post up. Why? See this blog post.

I Love Me Some Schweddy Balls

I have mixed feelings about the new Schweddy Balls Ice Cream from Ben and Jerry's. First I want to laugh. Then I want to eat it. Then I wonder if I'll ever have to explain it to Marley. But mainly, I just want to eat it.

But I wonder if it tastes as good as it sounds? Because there's nothing better than sinking your mouth around some Schweddy Balls.

Obviously a bunch of conservative groups have their panties in a bunch about this and are asking that the ice cream no longer be made and distributed.

"The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive," read a statement released by One Million Moms, a division of the Mississippi-based American Family Association. "Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket."


Fair enough.
What do you think about the new Schweddy Balls Ice Cream? Yay or nay?

Breakfast Surprise!

Marley was happily eating her oatmeal this morning. Baby Holland was slurping down her bottle of milk. Daddy was typing something into his iPhone. Then all of a sudden......AAAHHHCHOOO!

Marley let out a huge sneeze. I looked up to see giant boogers pouring out her nose! Oh, gross! I jumped up to grab a tissue, then ran back to see Ian staring at her in horror. They weren't boogers coming out of Marley's nose...they were STICKERS. What the hell?

"What the hell?" Ian exclaimed. "Marley, did you shove STICKERS up your nose?" Marley was horrified and started crying. On closer inspection, one was a Dora the Explorer sticker. I elected not to unfold the other one to see what it was.

"Marley," I said. "You can't shove stickers up your nose! Then you might get a big owie, and we'll have to go to the doctor!"

Marley continued to cry.

"Marley, when did you stick the stickers up your nose?" I asked. "Was it yesterday?"

"Noooo," Marley cried.

"Was it the day before yesterday?" I asked. How long had these stickers been in there?

"Nooooo," said Marley. "It was a long time ago. A very long time ago."

Yikes. How long can stuff stay shoved up your nose? I had no idea. Now I know what she's been doing during "Quiet Time."

I know, I'm not exactly innocent. When I was a kid I shoved a bunch of ants and rolly-pollys up my nose. I still remember sitting on the bathroom counter while my dad pulled their crusty corpses out with tweezers.

What's the weirdest thing your kids have shoved up their nose? And anyone know how long stuff can stay shoved up there?

Top 10 Reasons I Haven't Written a New Blog Post Lately

1. This juicy little thing, Baby Holland. Baby Holland is really into eating. Sleeping--not so much. This means I am feeding her all the time. I'm nursing her, I'm pumping my boobs, I'm cleaning breast pump parts, I'm cleaning bottles. Baby Holland is really cute and super snuggly, but she needs to take a nap. Doesn't she know that I have important things to do, like shop online, screw around on Facebook and catch up on Us Weekly?

2. Breast pump parts and bottle cleaning. Yeah. All the time there are random bottle parts and breast pump parts rolling around on the counter. They are gross and need to be cleaned.

3. Messy closet. I no sooner organize Marley's closet than it gets all crazy again.

4. Crazy bathroom. Needs to be cleaned. Note the naked Barbie Orgy in the bathtub.

5. Pekingese walking. Pagoda needs to be walked. Sometimes I try to let him out in our little courtyard, but I don't think he enjoys pooping on the flowers.

6. Playing doctor. Marley is pretty independent, and I've put her to work feeding Baby Holland, bringing me diapers and wiping down the countertops, but sometimes she needs attention. Right now her favorite game is "DOCTOR." She specializes in treating spider bites, but the other day a patient got trampled by a bunch of people who "freaked out" when they saw a lion. Playing "DOCTOR" always includes my involvement, because someone needs to be the patient. That's just the dynamic, yo.

7. Endless laundry and dishes. I swear someone sneaks into my house at night and fills my sink with dirty dishes. Ditto on the dirty clothes.

8. Stroller Chaos. Behold, the double-wide BOB Stroller. I'm always cleaning this thing out, and it's always getting re-filled with a bunch of crap.So I have to clean it out. Again. (Picture coming soon! The stroller was actually having a good day. I have to wait a good 4-6 hours for it to get fucked up again.)

9. Wine. I enjoy drinking wine, and this takes time.

10. Ian. When I do have a free moment (usually after both kids are sound asleep at night) I actually like to hang around this guy--my husband, Ian. Ian is pretty much a badass. (Let's just say he's the Honeybadger of all husbands.) Not only does he work his butt off selling boats to people who don't need to be buying boats in a shitty economy, but he makes our breakfast. If he wasn't around, there would be no breakfast. And no place to live since he supports us.

Are your kids, pets, or other family members selfishly taking up all your time and preventing you from accomplishing your dreams? What would you do if you had more time?