The Scariest Thing about the Happiest Place on Earth

This week we had the once-in-a-lifetime experience of taking Marley on her very first trip to Disneyland. Needless to say, she loved it........................................................................................

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Our first stop: Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion, Daddy & Mommy's favorite rides, respectively. I know, I know, we're pushing the scary-factor here with a 2-year-old, but considering Marley's favorite movie is Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas and the only souvenir she wanted in our early visit to a Disney gift shop was a wristband with a skull on it, I thought we'd be OK. Besides, we knew these rides could be a little intimidating for a toddler, so we prepared her accordingly.

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We gave her this primer.

Mommy: "Hey Marley! Do you like pirates?"

Marley: "Yes, I like pirates!"

Mommy: "Do you want to go see some pirates right now?"

Marley: "Yes, let's see pirates right now! RIGHT NOW!"

Mommy: "Okay! Now remember, this ride might be a little scary, but we'll be holding your hands the entire time. If you get scared, just wave and say, 'hi pirates!'"

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Repeat same conversation, then substitute "pirates" with "ghosts" for the Haunted Mansion.

It worked like a charm. Aside from the very first plunge down the tunnel at Pirates, Marley didn't freak out at all. She even broke into a few phrases of "Yo ho, yo ho...a pirate's life for me!" She didn't flinch at the spooks and specktors inside of the Haunted Mansion, even when our ride got stuck for a few minutes.

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Whew, now that we had those rides out of the way, we could go to FantasyLand with it's pink castle and fairy princess rides. They'd be so mellow and relaxed that we knew she wouldn't get scared.

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Not so fast.

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Have you been on any of these rides lately?

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I don't know if you've ridden on Snow White (excuse me, I should have known by the name, "Snow White's Scary Adventures") or even "Pinocchio's Daring Journey," but hello! It's like they are trying to scare the crap out of your kids!

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Case in point: the description of "Snow White's Scary Adventure" from the Disneyland website.

"Venture into dark forests, dank dungeons, dark mines and slippery cliffs as you relive frightful moments from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. You're never really safe from the watchful eye of the evil queen!" Frightful indeed. Dank dungeons? Snow White is a freaking cartoon people...lighten up!

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Needless to say, the ride lived up to its name. (Not that I knew this going in.) Complete with said scary and frightful moments, including loud special effects, it gave me the willies, though Marley seemed reasonably unfazed. (True, I was experiencing low-blood sugar and feeling intensely guilty for taking Marley on something easy that turned out to be scary, but still!) It's like buying your kid a Strawberry Shortcake doll and opening it up to find a fake bloody hand inside. Yeah, it's fake, and your kid might still want to play with it, but it's not what you were expecting.

Pinocchio's Daring Journey had to be better, right? A little. Still, Ghepetto's toy shop was creepy and weird, full of all sorts of scary-looking toys, and again I felt a pang of guilt when I saw Marley's brave, wide-eyed face in the eerie light.

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Thing is, I feel like with the more adult rides like Pirates and Mansion, you are prepared. You go in knowing your kid could freak out, and for good reason. But I didn't expect to take Marley on fairytale-inspired rides that could turn into the stuff of her future nightmares. What's worse, unlike the sophisticated "scariness" of some of the more adult rides, these ones come right down to the kid's level, scaring the crap out of them in terms that they understand. Ghostly hologram of a lady dancing...not so scary. But a cartoonish evil queen giving a blood-curdling scream at deafening volumes and scaring the hell out of Marley's much-beloved dwarfs (who she affectionately calls "Hi-hos")...well, that hits a little closer to home.

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I get it. Fairy tales are dark. Most Disney movies are dark. You need a balance of good and evil in any worthwhile story. You can't understand light if you don't understand darkness.

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Don't get me wrong, we had a great time at Disneyland...I just didn't expect to get into an inward dialogue on the dichotomy of good and evil at the "Happiest Place on Earth."

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I am happy to report that the Alice in Wonderland ride was much better, and the rest was smooth sailing.

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My friend Claudia took Luca, Marley's best friend, to Disneyland around this time, and explained her experience. "Luca was OK with all the rides, he didn't get upset, but I could tell that on some of them he was a little...uncomfortable. We liked 'It's a Small World' the best."

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My sentiments exactly. :)