Monday, February 14, 2011

Sex Education for Girls: Part II

I know, I know...the timing is simply uncanny! On this Valentine's Day, I have decided to continue discussing my worries of raising two girls and teaching them to be sexually responsible. Because as a hormonal mom in her fifth month of pregnancy, it is never too soon to start worrying about this kind of stuff, right?
As I mentioned in my other blog post, my own sex education was spotty at best. Following what I'll call a strict, La Grange-style, abstinence-only approach, I was assured that having sex before marriage would leave me pregnant, penniless, and ruined forever so no "nice" boy would ever want to touch me.
Needless to say, these insightful teachings resulted in some scary close-calls and some supremely reckless behavior when I finally did start having sex...not until my 20s. Because I never bothered to get on the pill. Why? I don't know. It didn't occur to me. I only slept with serious boyfriends, and the pill was for other girls. Promiscuous girls. I was NOT promiscuous. I was a good girl! (Most of the time.)
Until the dark day when I had to go to Planned Parenthood for the morning-after-pill. (I guess you can say our protection in, ripped in half.) The nice lady who gave me the morning- after-pill asked me what my current birth control methods were. "Uh...condoms?" I answered.
"Hmm," she replied. "You know that condoms are only 85% effective, when they are used correctly? And mostly, they aren't."
"Yes," I replied. I'd heard these statistics before. Hadn't everybody? But I guess I never thought about them in terms of my own peril and demise.
"Wouldn't you feel better getting on a more reliable form of birth control, such as the pill?" asked the nurse.
I had no good answer. Because there was only one answer. Yes, I needed to get on the pill. Why hadn't I done this before?
So thank you Planned Parenthood Nurse for getting me on the pill. For this, I will always have a warm spot in my heart for you.
Anywho, I am determined to do a better job preparing my girls for the consequences and responsibilities of sex better than my parents did. (Sorry Mom.) Though I don't want to be slipping condoms under their pillows in junior high (Oh God!), I don't want them to be afraid to come to me if they need to talk about sex.
And I want them to fully understand the negative, dire, and life-changing consequences of having sex...on all levels.
I asked my friends Susanne and Dan about this. They have a teenage daughter.
"Marley will be smart, so you should engage her intellectually," said my friend Dan.
Of course! Engage her intellectually? This I can do! And so, I have devised a fail-proof sex education plan to ensure that my girls will grow up as clean and pure as a first winter's snow. (Okay, so at least they put off having sex for AS LONG AS POSSIBLE, preferably for the rest of their lives, or until I am dead.)
When my girls turn 13, hit puberty, or start getting invited to boy/girl dances (whatever happens first) they will be charged with a very special assignment. They will have to create a PowerPoint presentation entitled Pregnancy and STDs: Foul Aftermath and Food Stamps. They will have to complete said project and present it to me before they leave the house. EVER.
As part of their assignment, they must outline in detail:
-The deadliest STD
-The grossest STD (with pictures)
-The most embarrassing STD, or the STD most likely to generate ridicule from others in gym class (with pictures)
-The most common STD
-The different types of STDs that, once contracted, you will have for the REST OF YOUR LIFE
-An overview of the failure rates of all protection.
-An overview of the lifestyle of teenage moms.
-The percentage of teenage moms currently on welfare.
-How much it costs a year to raise a baby.
-First hand accounts of grisly childbirths.
-What the inside of a homeless shelter looks like.
I am pretty proud of my little plan here. What do you think? Anything else I should include? What else will scare the crap out of them?


  1. Get them one of those crying life like babies and make them take care of it for a week all on their own. By then they should come with timers & remote controls so you can control the level of torture to inflict. 3 am feedings? 5:30 wake up calls, poopie diapers - you get the point. Then have all your gf's come over and share with them all our terrible break-up & heart break stories of the a-holes of times past. If that doesn't scare them into celibacy, I don't know what will.

  2. ha ha! I didn't even think of the baby! that's classic. And yes...horror stories of the morning after from a-hole guys...that should do the trick.

  3. At the risk of getting to serious....I think that if you make sure that you do whatever you can to ensure they have self worth and self confidence (which I know you do and will) so that they don't need a boy to validate them. Keep them involved in extra curricular activities so they have more on their minds then mischief and oh yeah....PRAY lol because if they fall in love no matter how many swollen penis and vagina pictures you show them teens will be teens and they know it all. To soon old to late smart

  4. totally Brie! Yes I think having self-confidence and self-worth is key and is probably THE most important factor. Because if you have that self respect you will respect your body (and heart!) and not let anyone take advantage of you. I know that helped me a lot.

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