Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Top Ten Things that Happen when Mommy Doesn't Sleep


You know what I'm talking about. Those nights when sleep just doesn't happen. Maybe your kid is sick. Maybe you're sick. Maybe your baby still isn't sleeping through the night.
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Or maybe, just maybe, your kid is sleeping great, but your husband wakes you up with a gnarly cough every 20 minutes until you can't take it anymore and you give up, go downstairs and get on Facebook. You might go back upstairs in another 20 minutes or so, to find your husband sleeping peacefully. He has taken some NyQuil. You, however, are pregnant and cannot take NyQuil, because such sleep-aids are a major no-no. So you are stuck. Up. Awake. No sleeping.
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And you were already tired to begin with.
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Oh well. Sh-t happens. It's not my poor husband's fault. He has to slap a smile on his face and go sell boats today. My demands are a little less rigorous.
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If I was like most people, I'd probably try to take a nap while Marley is at preschool. Makes sense. But no, not me, When I am over-tired, I turn into a spastic, whirling tornado of energy, incapable of sleep, punctuated by random outbursts of crying and general psychotic behavior. I cannot nap. I cannot rest. I am a menace to myself, my family, and society.
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Here is what I do instead.
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1. Laundry. If there is laundry in the house to be done, today is the day! Onesies get bleached, beds get stripped, and stains doused with Shout. Nothing is safe!
2. Swiffer. Something about Swiffering makes me feel accomplished, even though I'm not really accomplishing anything, because the Swiffer family of products is completely ineffective on our white linoleum floors. But then again, it does leave that pungent, "Hey, look at me, I just cleaned," highly-toxic odor.
3. Go look on my DVR list of recorded shows and purposely try to find shows that I wanted to watch that my husband has deleted. I send him an email with a subject line "DELETED" and name the shows he has erased with a nasty note.
4. Random outbursts of crying. Are we out of raisins? Oh, despair!
5. Impulse shopping and returns. I'm sure we'll all agree, nothing's better for the economy than a tired mom armed with a credit card!
6. Drive around aimlessly in search of food. None of the vast edibles currently in our home will suffice. I need something special to eat, but I'm just not sure what. And driving while pregnant and sleep-deprived is a fun and safe activity for all to enjoy! No blinker? No problem!
7. Start stubbing my toes on any and all furniture in my midst. Cry.
8. Stalk ex-boyfriends on the Internet and try to determine if their girlfriends or wives are prettier than me. If they are, cry.
9. Write dark and weird poetry.
10. Realize that I am the luckiest person in the world to have such a beautiful daughter, and amazing husband, and wonderful life. Cry.
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OK, what weird and psycho things do YOU do when you are sleep-deprived?

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