Friday, May 27, 2011

Top 10 Reasons I'm Glad I Haven't Had my Baby Yet

So my doctor has been vacationing in the South of France. I haven't seen him 2 weeks. I was super excited to see him this week, hoping that he would have some good news...mainly, that I am super dilated and effaced, and that my body is ripe to have my baby! (I am ready to have my baby, God knows.)

Last week, when I saw another doctor, she told me that I was 2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. And since then, I've had TONS of contractions, so I was confident that things were moving along nicely.

"Well, you're maybe one centimeter dilated, and about 50% effaced," my doctor told me after he checked things out.

"What?" I asked. "Dr. Pattengill said I was two centimeters and 50% last I have to be more now!"

"Nope," he answered. "About one centimeter."

So. Needless to say, I am not having my baby right this second. Or probably anytime soon. It could be closer to my actual due date on June 6...or...God forbid...a little later.

This is a big problem because I have NOTHING to wear. I am so huge that even my maternity stuff doesn't fit me. (And what's the purpose in buying new shit to wear now?) So I am looking like a complete slob in my husband's XL Star Wars t-shirts that barely cover my giant belly. I look like crap.

Anyway, I was pretty disappointed. I was really hoping to have Baby Holland sooner rather than later. To cheer myself up, I have come up with the Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Glad I Haven't Had my Baby Yet.

1. Labor is painful. I'm not in labor right now, therefore I am not in pain. This is a good thing.
2. I can continue to eat like a total fatass. Arby's Roast Beef, anyone?
3. I can continue to dress like a total and complete slob. This is NOT my fault. Nothing fits.
4. I can't really work because I have nothing to wear. I can't show property naked or in Ian's Star Wars t-shirt. It's best for everyone that I am at home, watching reality T.V. Really.
5. I have an excuse for being a total sarcastic bitch. My hormones are raging!
6. It's completely acceptable for me to space out, or act a little deranged. Everyone just feels sorry for me.
7. I can blame excessive amounts of online shopping on temporary confusion. When boxes show up at the door, I can just play dumb and act completely shocked.
8. Braxton Hicks contractions are fun...whoohoo!
9. I'll get more opportunities to pee my pants in public. Good times.
10. I get to spend more time with my cute little family of three...before we grow into a family of four.  I'm trying to savor these last few days or (gulp) weeks with my beautiful little girl and my handsome, wonderful husband. Soon this journey will end and a new one will begin!

Thanks for reading. Leave a comment while you're here! Anything else I should be doing before I pop out baby #2????

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